Conflicted

What do you do when cultures clash everywhere around you? I totally don’t get certain things, and other things about me aren’t understood. What results is a layer of lies upon lies.

That aside, I’ve almost graduated! I’ve written all my exams, and I’m just waiting for the results now. I’ll finally be seeing Faith in 2.5 days’ time!

I should be happy, but I’m just a little blue after all the perplexing things facing me. Sorry for vague-blogging, but I guess I can’t say much if I want to keep up being PC.

I told myself to calm down and take everything in my stride, and to not forget whatever I’ve learned this semester, when I finally got to rebuild my life and realise that I am capable as an individual and that I have friends who got my back.

I just can’t help feeling a little annoyed at my facticity, but there’s little I can do but to keep to my beliefs and move forward. Well, the catch is that I have to always come back to this problem.

The one who’s different is a madman. A totally sane person in one kingdom could be a madman in another. The person has to act sane in order not to labeled a madman and put in an institution. Over time, the person might actually turn mad 🙂

I’m rambling -.-”

The past week had been great. Now I just need some time off and clear out my conflicted mind.

Love,
Hope

Grown

I feel a little different.

I feel like since I got together with Faith, something changed in me. I don’t know if he caused the changes, or it’s just a coincidence, but I’m loving it.

I used to be one angsty teenager, hahaha. Growing up, I experienced a short period of peace many, many years ago, before returning to turbulence of depression. Ever since my exchange programme, I feel like the peace has returned.

It’s not easy being so far away from him, not being able to hug him on bad days. Somehow, though, it allows me to rebuild my foundation and outlook on life. Well, that, and probably philosophy and political thought lessons -.-”

We talk about things that matter, and we haven’t quarrelled. Agreed to disagree on certain things, maybe, but not outright quarrels. It might be because of the distance, it’s not so easy to quarrel when you’re so far away from each other and is always missing the other party :p I think, though, if it’s him, I’d be fine. I’d be willing to talk.

Time flies. In a few days’ time, it would be exactly half a year since we got together. Yeah, half a year is nothing, but it sure does feel like it has been much shorter than that. We’ve barely started!

Ok on another note. Faith commented saying that my previous blog post sounded so violent with fighting and all. As I laid in bed, my brain started thinking up random thoughts. One thing led to another, and well this is how it goes: Fighting doesn’t really have to be violent. I mean, when I said ‘fight’, it’s just to get my spirit up and enthusiasm ready, like an athlete ready for a competition. Like…fighting monsters in RPG to gain experience to level up. That’s not violent, that’s just the way it is to get stronger. Wait, what about the monsters? It’s violent to them. Is it ethical to kill them in games to level up? Oh no!

Moral dilemma ensues before I drifted to sleep -_-

Love,
Hope

Boredom Beware!

BIG day tomorrow. But for now, BLOG 😀

I’m somehow managing. It’s been one of the busiest semesters I’ve ever had, and yet also one of the most manageable ones. I’m in a good state of mind, I make new friends in different classes, and I can always talk to Faith when I need someone to talk to.

He makes it so easy for me to love him, even despite the distance.

You know the saying that goes like if you love someone, you got to let him go? Bullshit. If you love someone, you work hard to make it easy for him to be happy. You can’t make someone happy, but you can work to create conditions that make it easy for him to be happy. Yeah. Just a thought.

After all that I wrote about the dangers of LDR, the threats of mistrust and miscommunication (or the lack thereof) and all, I identified a new potential enemy! It can be even more deadly, or at least as debilitating as the rest of them baddies, but it comes so silently you won’t know it’s there until it’s too late. Except if you continue to anticipate it and stomp it at the first signs of appearance. I’m talking about boredom.

Nah, I’m not bored (yet, at least), but I was just thinking that boredom is deadly. If you see it coming, then you can anticipate it and do things differently.

Haha, I’m kind of seeing this whole thing as a war of me and him on one side and these baddies on the other. We’re winning by far 😛 Arrogance will be the cause of downfall, so eh, continue to screen for potential problems and remain vigilant.

But I think I’ll go to bed now 🙂 BIG day tomorrow, and I have to wake up early with my brain as alert as possible (foreseeing the need for coffee!)

Love,
Hope

Updates!

Sorry for the long absence! This semester turns to be the craziest semester I ever have (so far). Juggling six classes is already something, and I’m having a presentation every week for now and the next two weeks, not to mention final tests (physics and chinese), oral test (chinese), aaaaand the most important thing: TestDaf – something like a German version of TOEFL, that I need to pass and score well to apply for some of the master programmes in Germany. There are three papers due within three weeks too, but I’ve written them all way before the deadlines (two 5 weeks in advance and one 7 weeks in advance, in anticipation of this crazy period). I’m sooo thankful for the past me for getting shit done.

I marvel at how I’m still standing, going out with friends every now and then and not being depressed and crying in my bed hours on end. I do get depressed days last week, but it lasted some three days and I bounced back after.

A lot of things had been on my mind, but for today, I guess I’ll settle with just update on my current situation, haha.

Last week, I was in that bad place again. Not for too long, but at the time, it felt like forever. So I was getting some 14-16 hours of sleep for three consecutive nights, and I had crying spells during those three days. I skipped classes on two days, and the other one day was a public holiday. On the last of the three days, I was curled up in my bed, crying, before I felt so sick of all this crying. I put on my running shoes and went on a walk/jog. I felt mentally better after that, but hell, the next day my hips were hurting. (I have some pre-existing conditions.) It was ok after a swim on weekend, and mentally, I completed rebuilding myself after a Skype session with Faith, too. I haven’t been crying since. Just back to numbness, could be better, could be worse.

Anyway, I was freaking out last week, about how depression might mess up my relationship. I decided to see a counsellor. The waiting list was long, though, it being this late in the semester when everyone’s really stressed, and the earliest appointment I can get is in two weeks’ time (so next week).

I don’t really know what to expect when I see the counsellor next week. Do I even know my problems? Maybe. What I feel about my life is quite mercurial, though, I change from one day to the next. It would be quite strange if I see the counsellor when I’m at my highest XD But I guess I just need an additional person to talk to. It won’t be easy opening up to someone new, but it’s something that needs to be done, both for myself, and for my relationship.

Man, I’m sleepy. I’m supposed to be working on my project, but the bed is inviting me…

Love,
Hope

Can’t stay mad

It’s so annoying -.- I just can’t stay mad at Faith. Yesterday he sent me a message, asking if I want to Skype today. Today, there was no reply all day long, and I went through the process of feeling impatient, worried, annoyed, and then worried again, and then back to irritated, not to mention weak and sick from food poisoning/diarrhea. I gave him a call, but the line was occupied. The thing is, I have no idea until what time I should wait. I remembered something along the line of him wanting to go back to his hometown today, which means quite a number of hours of travel, and which means I might need to wait quite long. I don’t mind waiting quite long, I mind not knowing how long I have to wait for.

I thought of just giving up and go and play a game or something, haha. Then I decided to try calling him again. Still feeling annoyed, I dialled his number, thinking of giving him a piece of my mind and thinking about asking him if I can sulk, because I felt like sulking 😦 It might be me being in a very tech-savvy city with everyone being wired to their phone, but I can’t see the reasons you can’t use your cell phone for a minute to drop a “I’m kinda busy but I’ll type more later” during the course of the morning (and early afternoon).

This time, the line was not occupied. I waited at the dial tone, and then he picked up and said, “Hello?”

And that was it. I couldn’t stay mad anymore -_-

Yeah, and well, my stomach was finally behaving itself :p

See if I can express my annoyances later, even if I’m not annoyed anymore. I think it’s good practice for speaking up. Or see if he can come up with good enough reasons :p

Now, another wait. Shall pick up my other boyfriend in the mean time, the guitar 😀

Love,
Hope

Reblogging: challenges of closing the distance

I found this post on another blog and decided to reblog it.

I have some of this worries, too. Not in terms of leaving home, since I already left home, even if “closing the distance” means an additional 10000km to home. But this opens my eyes to the very real possibility of having different expectations. Fear of loneliness is definitely real. If I leave Singapore, I will have to rebuild my life from scratch. All the things I know for the last 8+ years will be gone. And what if Faith does not want to see me as much as I want to see him? What if I finally get culture shock, or language shock? There are sacrifices to be made, but this move is also something I truly wanted, maybe even if I don’t consider the relationship. I’m just being triggered to finally take action and do it.

Expectations. We jumped into this LDR having discussed some expectations with regard to skype and messages frequency, and implied monogamy. Things are working out great, and I believe that it’s partly owing to having set our expectations clearly. I guess before we close the distance, a second working out of our expectations have to be done.

I should think about what I want as well. I’m not quite sure yet. I do want to see him every weekend, and an occasional weekday date night sounds nice, if we end up in the same town. But. It might be healthy for both of us to have our own lives, too. I just hope I can reconstruct a life for me there.

Love,
Hope

ldr13

skype51crop

Oh boy. My man and I had an emotional Skype yesterday and this morning as we are starting to make plans for closing the distance in April. Last May he said he couldn’t do distance for more than another year; as he can’t leave his line of work for another 2 years I said I would move there even though at the time I felt far from ready. But I didn’t want to lose him and wanted to give this relationship a proper chance.

After our last visit in August we’ve grown so much closer and in love and I feel ready to move this coming April. I have no reservations about us and we both feel very confident in our relationship. Two months ago he bought a cute little house which he said he hoped I would move into, with him. And so I’ve been picturing a nice little…

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Letting Go and Other Musings

I’m slowly but surely picking myself up again. The second half of the semester is starting, whee~! During my one-week term break, I actually missed having classes, haha.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell Faith about my sadness or upset feelings over Skype, because I’m always so happy when I’m on Skype with him, and all negative feelings are forgotten momentarily. The world stops, and it’s just me and him. And usually boom, 3-5 hours passed. @.@ I really don’t get the flow of time when I’m with him. Time not just flies, it’s propelled with a “WHOOSH!!!” like a rocket.

I guess this time I’ll blog about some random things that popped up in my mind during the past week, but haven’t gotten round to write about.

1. Letting go of the past.

There are some things that I find hard to let go, usually some negative feelings from the past. It’s hard for me to forgive and forget, and especially so when whoever did what I perceive as a wrongdoing to me did not apologise. It’s irritating when you talk about how you can’t get over this feeling of hurt to someone, and instead of an apology, you’re hearing how he thinks you should let go and be told what to do. Geez.

My conclusion: If I can’t forgive, I should at least forget. Bury it deep inside and forget it. Maybe one day I can finally let go. It doesn’t matter that much now, anyway.

2. Philosophy

Haha. I’ve been learning philosophy for about a month now. It’s still tough, and I find things very abstract at times, but I’m also feeling something amazing. Many a times, life feels pitch black, and living is like trying to find your way in the dark, reaching your hands into the unknown. Studying philosophy and reading about the thoughts of past great thinkers actually feel like these great men are holding a torch for me and showing me the way. It gives me a certain grip in life. It’s a bit hard to say at this stage, but I get this feeling that I’m being guided, and that I’m not alone.

Maybe I just read too much, hahaha.

3. Relationship. (duh.)

I think there are many ways a relationship can go wrong. I’m marvelling at how things work out so well right now, yet at the same time I know I can’t take it for granted. It takes work. To Future Me, I hope (hihi) you won’t stop putting in work. That’s for Future Faith as well 😀 *wink wink*

Work also means anticipating problems to come and dealing with them before they become bigger issues. Nip eye candies in the bud, for example. I’m still wondering if it counts as emotional cheating when the object of affection is fictional 😛 Or my guitar XD But yeah, you get the point. Things that seemingly harmless could potentially be something big, I learned that before. So now, being constantly vigilant might be the way to go.

I really love how when I started to marvel at how well things are working out for us, he responded, “As long as we both enjoy it, I don’t see why things shouldn’t work out.” That element of human agency is so empowering. It’s the same thing I like when I read about Nietzsche and Sartre, that power that each of us have to shape our lives. Life is not pre-determined, it’s up to us to make something out of it. That is nice to hear, and so is hearing about him also enjoying being in this relationship 🙂

Yesterday was mostly a down day, and after dinner, being mostly emotionally numb for the whole day, I was only slightly excited about Skyping him soon. I dropped him a message saying that I’m ready, but I noticed that he was not online yet. So……I changed into a dress, put on some makeup and did my hair into a side braid. Somehow all that only took 10 minutes. Time was warped yet again, I think.

After that 10 minutes, I actually felt much better. I was no longer numb, and I was feeling confident, pretty (hehe), excited, and optimistic. All that from getting of my bum and taking care of how I look.

Then I dropped him another message, and I thought that if he didn’t come online soon, my makeup was going to get thicker and thicker XD But he came online just a split second after I sent that message. Whoa, nice timing.

And then…as the call was connecting, my heart raced. “Omg what will he think about my look? Do I look silly? Will he think I look silly? Omgomgomg.”

But he seemed to like it 😀 And also amazed at the fact that I managed to pick a dress and do my hair and make up in ten minutes flat XD

When we had a break from the call as he went out to buy cake ingredients, I took some selfies and use one of the photos as my profile picture on Facebook XD So there, on my profile picture, is Faith’s girlfriend. It’s how she dresses up for a date with him 🙂

Oh, and talking about Skype, there was this very cute thing that happened some 1.5 weeks ago maybe. We were on Skype, and he left me for a bit while he went to the bathroom. I (or rather his phone) was put on a table in the living room of his house. I went to open Facebook while waiting, until suddenly…I heard a meow.

I don’t remember him being able to imitate a cat’s sound that well, and I reopened the minimised Skype window, to see his family cat on the screen :3 It looked at me. I said, “Hallo, Wolli!” It meowed back. Ahahahahaha. It lingered for a while before going away, but I was still laughing when Faith came back. That was sooo adorable. My one regret is that I was so amused I forgot to take a screen cap :/ Let’s hope the cat will say hi again one day.

4. Me

Some thoughts about myself. Faith said it’s hard to know when I disagree with something, hahaha. Hmm. I think I rarely disagree with him, that’s true. I mean, we’re quite alike in many ways.

Do I not speak up when I disagree? It’s a bit hard for me to tell, because many times what he does is what I will do as well. And then there are things that I consider are too small to speak up about, but maybe I will. Things like no, I don’t like kidney beans 😦 Or most beans for that matter. They feel so dry in the mouth. Green peas are ok. Then again, I changed from not liking olives to liking them much, as well as tolerating capsicums -.-

That sounded like digression ._.

I guess I was kind of used to speaking up and yet nobody changes a thing, so I opted to just keep quiet (until I can’t take it anymore, aka when it suddenly blows up.) That’s…my conclusion after some thinking the past week.

I know that Faith is different. He listens, and he tries to make things better for me. I guess I should work to be in tune with my feelings more, and let him know when I know I disagree with something.

You know, this sounds silly, but sometimes I wonder if we will work out in close distance as well as in a long distance relationship. Sure, we did 2.5 months of close distance, and it was paradise. Then comes the long distance phase, and we’re managing it way better than I ever expected before. Sometimes I wonder, if we will be ok after transitioning into close distance. I think it’ll be more than ok, but being a natural worrier, there’s just that slight nagging doubt that wonders if maybe we’ll irritate each other on close distance.

Then again, just like he said, if both of us enjoy being with each other, it will work out. Things are workable. There’s not really a solid base for this thought anyway.

When a light bulb burns out, you don’t go and buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.

Anyway. This post is getting much longer than expected :p And I have a test tomorrow. And I still need to read some 20 pages of Aristotle before bed. (Bedtime story?)

Good night everyone!

Love,
Hope