Quenched

Hanging up was not as hard today 🙂 I’m just happeeee~!

I love us. I love how we can talk about anything under the sun (and moon), and I love how we make each other laugh. I love it that we have such a wide range of topic to talk about, and that we’re open to trying new things (like our failed attempt at playing multiplayer games today, hahahaa).

An LDR is definitely not putting a hold on a relationship. It tests a relationship, and develops it. Its nature might be slightly different from a close distance one, but at the end of the day, it’s still a connection between two people with the understanding of exclusivity. (Not every LDR, of course, but ours is.)

It was a very nice Sunday Skype call. All the longing from the past 1.5 week was thoroughly quenched, and I’m back in a state of contentedness. Everything is and will be fine.

I love you, Faith. You continue to surprise me with your warmth and initiative and openness.

Hihi, I hear harmonious melody in my head~ I think I’m ready to face an even busier week!

Love,
Hope

The Call

Hanging up is as hard as usual :/

I’m quite touched that he bore with me despite being tired, hihi.

So much feelings, after 1.5 weeks since our last Skype call. I just can’t stop grinning when I first saw him today. And then with seeing comes the longing, wishing that I could just reach into the monitor and ruffle his hair and hug him tight.

Even if I want to be clingy, I can’t 😦

I experienced a moment of weakness again. This time, I cried a little. It felt quite a relief, though, that I know I’m not pretending to be strong. Sometimes I pretend without even knowing that I’m pretending, and I only know after the damage has been done. I’m learning to be accepting of my negative feelings, too.

There’s still a lot to learn. I still have to get much stronger.

Dear Faith, I love you, and I love it that we’re in this together. I’m glad that it’s you.

Love,
Hope

On Strike

The plan today was to go to the dentist, have brunch, study a little bit, go for club meeting, and then Skype with Faith.

Now that I’ve done all but the last thing, my brain is on strike -.-” It refuses to study more before Skyping. The problem is, Faith isn’t online yet. So for the past 1 hour or so I had been whiling my time away doing nonsense. -_-

He must have been tired after being up for almost the whole night before his flight.

Oh c’mon, brain, do something useful -.-

Love,
Hope

When someone you love has depression

Found this gem of a post. That “metaphorically beat themselves up about it” part resonates with me. I know that it’s not my fault I have (or had) depression, but when I’m down, it just feels like I’m a burden to everyone around me. People who can accept me the way I am are far and few in between, but when I do find them, I remember them always and hold them dear in my heart.

Often when speaking with someone who suffers depression they comment that those they love ‘just don’t understand’. The sufferer struggles then with feeling as if they have failed the people that they love and therefore they metaphorically beat themselves up about it and sink further into the depressive state.
I guess when you are on the outside looking in, you have no comprehension of why the person you love is feeling the way they do. After all, they have every reason to be happy – so why aren’t they?

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I’m Not Okay

Who am I kidding? I’m not okay.

I’m not okay today. I’m tired, I have a lot of work to do, and it seems never ending. Much of the additional work was not even my fault to begin with. I need someone I can talk to about my feelings and my fears. I’m scared. There are still more than three months to go before I’m done with the semester. A part of me thinks I’ll be alright, that I’m stronger than ever before, but it doesn’t omit the fact that another part of me is scared.

I bought dinner and brought it back to my room. I’m not okay today to eat alone in public. It can be Scheiße when things that are Scheiße happens to you and the one you want to share it with the most is not around. It’s nobody’s fault, but it doesn’t make it any better. For the first time in more than a week, I feel like crying.

I should stop denying it, because I am definitely not okay tonight.

And I have to learn to accept that it is OKAY to be not okay sometimes. I shouldn’t keep up thinking that I’m okay all the time when I’m not. It is okay to be down. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel tired. Give yourself a break, let yourself feel what you actually feel. And then pick yourself up. Know it that even if you’re not okay now, you will be okay again soon. You are a fighter, and you can march on.

If you feel sad, cry, and then wipe your tears. If you fall down, be down, and then pick yourself up.

Nobody has to be strong all the time. Learn to accept yourself in good times and bad times. It sounds like a wedding vow, and yes, before you are able to accept someone else in good times and bad times, you have to learn to accept yourself in good times and bad times.

Cry, Hope, and then march on.

I just remembered something. There was a time that I had to climb a rock climbing wall. I had failed once before, and it left a mark on me, and I was so scared of failing again. Having a fear of heights didn’t help at all either. Still, I climbed. After about 1.5-2m, I started feeling very scared, and I started crying. A panic attack was imminent. Strangely enough, I climbed on. I climbed on as I cried, and I reached the top. After that, I had a bad bout of panic attack, even after I reached the ground, and that, plus another thing, made me associate that experience with a bad memory. But until now, I’m still amazed that I actually managed to cry and climb at the same time. Now that’s the kind of strength I need to survive this semester.

Love,
Hope

Panic Mode

I just withdrew myself from one committee responsibility.

I’m still doing fine, in terms of workload. There’s a lot to catch up on, still, after missing two weeks of three modules, due to dean’s office fault. I thought I would have time for other things, but as of now, I can’t afford to have too many of those “other things”.

In terms of lecture readings, I’ve caught up with everything, a feat I am actually kind of proud of myself 😛 Catching up with 500-600 pages of philosophy and political thought readings within 5 days wasn’t something I thought I could do. Well, I have to sustain it. I will normally have around 200-300 pages of readings per week, and on top of that, I have to prepare for tutorials as well. Being very stress-prone, I try to just look at all these things I have to do step by step. Things start to look overwhelming, but I won’t achieve anything by panicking and being too stressed.

OK I’M PANICKING. I have things to do almost the whole of tomorrow, how can I finish my work during the weekend? AAAAH.

Ok panicking mode off. -_- I can still withdraw from another commitment tomorrow, but…if I withdraw from so many, and only study, that’s no life either.

Another thing that actually made me start evaluating whether or not I should start withdrawing myself from commitments: my headaches were coming back. I used to have them almost every day, but it has been better the past year. These days, having only been able to go to bed past midnight after I’m done with my work, I’ve been getting more headaches than usual, and they’re the strong, persistent kind, that it makes me wonder if I’m simply too tired. As I’m typing, I’m still having what I call “leftover headache” – the subdued headache I have after taking paracetamol, that will linger for some hours before (hopefully) fading away, usually after a good night’s sleep or a swim.

Since I have so much to do…maybe I should go and have my dinner, and then start working on something.

Faith is coming back home tomorrow! Not to me, but to where there’s internet, so that’s good :p I try not to rely on him too much on my mind as my motivation, because I have to learn to be strong on my own without external motivation, but it’s hard not to see him as the light in the darkness (“stress”) that comes creeping towards me.

Love,
Hope

Making Friends with Hegel and Marx

It’s been a week since our last Skype call. Yeah, fine, one week might not seem like much, and I’m really busy, too. Amidst my being busy, though, Faith’s always at the back of my mind.

I’ve been reading some 400 pages of philosophy for my course just this week alone (and no, I’m not done for the week yet). Every now and then, in between the confusing lines, my mind will wander off to him, to us in the past, to our near future.

I’m doing well, really, at least way better than I thought I would. I’m somehow still managing taking three additional classes two weeks into the semester. I even went swimming and met some friends over dinner. No crying, too. I guess this is the kind of status quo that I will be living in. I’m living well, yet there’s always this longing inside me to eventually come home to him.

I did hear from Faith a couple of times. At first it was a message a day, and when internet was not readily available, an SMS, too. That made my morning 🙂

I’m still expecting a letter. It’s probably been around two weeks since it was sent, but it’s not here yet. I hope it will reach soon. I kept thinking about it that I had a dream I received 2 postcards and 3 long letters from him in the mail -_-”

I had dinner alone at a small restaurant on campus. Usually, eating alone is really alright with me. After I chose my seat, though, I immediately regretted my choice, as a couple went to sit next to me. Heh. It was okay, I just read news. It didn’t affect me much tonight, but I’d still rather avoid being alone next to lovey dovey couples.

In this relationship, I’m more happy than anything else. There’s all the longing, but I’m really grateful to have met him. My self-confidence seemed to have regrown a little, too. Insecurity will be defenestrated! Ooh I love that word. It just means “throwing someone, or in my case, something, out of the window.” It’s like one of the most exact, precise English word I know.

I can’t wait till December! Before that, I have to make sure I work hard and pass all my modules, so that I can really enjoy my time there and come back to Indo as a graduate, and don’t have to take an extra semester.

Uuugh. I read around 100 pages of Hegel earlier, and there are still some 35 pages of Marx to be read tonight…X.X

By the way, I’m starting to really love my choice of name, Hope. When I chose it, I knew that it would be something that I need, yet it was something I couldn’t really feel at that time. Taking it up as a name actually helps to get it ingrained in me, and these days I’m as hopeful as I ever were, about Faith and me, and even about my perilous journey to graduation, hahaha.

Love,
Hope