Bittersweet

It doesn’t get easier.

I know I’m doing this by choice, and that this is the right thing to do. It will be worth it, too, that I believe. And yet…it’s hard. When you think you’ve finally found someone special to you, and you were just in the middle of what people term the “honeymoon period”, and then you have to be more than 6000 miles apart from each other.

Day 5 of LDR, and I’m crying again.

Day 0 and 1 was disastrous. I kept tearing, and had to force myself to sightsee, even in a city as beautiful as Oslo. Day 2 was even worse, at least at first. I was full-blown crying in public, among the crowds, until I found some peace in the Oslo cathedral. The rest of the day went fine. In fact, I was quite cheerful. Day 3 was busy, and I had some fun in Helsinki, but I did cry at night, right before my flight back to Singapore, realising my exchange semester is really coming to an end now, and that dreaded 6000 miles will be put between us.

Day 4 was ok. I reached Singapore on National Day. It was really hard to sleep, I kept thinking about him and making plans for the near future, and I was jet lagged and had to get used to the new mattress without pillows or blanket or even bed sheet, but then it was okay.

Day 5…was supposed to be ok. I even met and chatted with some friends for a bit, before having a fun Skype session with him.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel really blessed to have him in my life, to have him wanting to go through this difficult phase together instead of giving up and calling it quits. I love us, and I genuinely know that this is worth it. I even believe that if we can get through this, we can get through anything life throws at us in the future. I know I need some time alone to grow, to be more independent.

But after a couple of night’s break, I’m now back to full blown sobbing again.

It doesn’t get easier. Maybe I’m just impatient, maybe I will really get used to it one day. But to be really honest, getting used to living away from him sounds like it sucks.

This will sound very ungrateful, but, although I am thankful we’ve found each other, deep inside, I feel it’s unfair that we have to be so far apart. Why us? Why when things are going so well? These thoughts…are what I wouldn’t admit I have, but I just have to let out.

I know I should just take it as a test, that we’ll come out stronger. That soon enough, we’ll be together again. That I have to get better in terms of managing my depression and improving my independence, lest I risk destroying our relationship.

But it doesn’t get easier.

Love,
Hope

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