Day 12

Could you believe it? It’s been almost two weeks since I left. First, we had 1176km between us, then 1578km, and now it stands at 10274km.

It doesn’t become easy. There is always that feeling that something is missing. At times, it felt like a persistent, dull ache in my heart.

But, you know what? Life goes on. Time stops for no one. I survived, at first worse than expected, but then a little better. It felt as if I am growing a shell both outside and inside me. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad, but, for survival reasons, I consider it a good thing.

My mom visited me over the weekend, and she had just left. I’m just reminded of how much I hate goodbyes. They are, however, an inevitable part of life. The sooner I get used to them, the better it is.

I’m a little bit scared, that visiting him means there will be one more goodbye to be had. It sounds a little unreasonable, I know, because in return, we would have so much more memories together, and it also means, that there will be one more hi to be had, before the inevitable goodbye. It will be so worth it, but it doesn’t make the goodbye any less sucky.

These days I’m actually doing much better than I could ever foresee. Since yesterday, I’ve been feeling that dull ache in my heart again, but it doesn’t change what I know in my brain to be true. There ARE benefits to LDR. It sucks big time, but it does some good, too.

1. Better Communication
LDR both needs a good communication, and improves communication, when done properly. Time to communicate is limited, so we try to maximise its quality. Don’t be distracted or do other things when Skyping. Why would I, when time to Skype is so scarce anyway? I also made it a point to myself to let him know what I feel about anything at all. It is sometimes not easy knowing what one feels when physically close, but it is even harder now that we’re so far apart.

I think it goes both ways. I maintain my sanity by letting someone know how I feel inside, and I’m keeping our communication channel open this way too.

2. Increased Patience (at least on my behalf :p)
Let’s be honest. Time together is limited. He has a life outside me, and as surprising to myself as it is, I have a life outside him, too, not to mention our six-hour time difference. Besides, not being someone who’s always wired to his phone, he does take some time to answer my messages. When I was with him, it felt really special to be with someone whose focus is really on you, and not distracted by phones, laptops, like so many people in our generation. To be honest, the rate at which he replies and sends messages now already exceeded my initial expectations, and I hope this keeps up, haha. It’s a little different from what I’m used to, but it suffices, and it feels special. And it definitely trains my patience, and I will tell myself to find something else to do other than just waiting for him.

And when he said he’s going to be available in the morning to chat, and then he isn’t, somehow I just let it go. Somehow it’s easy to give him the benefit of the doubt, that he must have had his reasons. And…with limited time together, why would I want to waste it getting mad at him?

3. Trust
I’m…easily jealous. The thing is, I don’t think you can ever know what another person really thinks about another member of the opposite sex. But again, this comes back to the issue of having limited time together. I wouldn’t want to waste time sulking or getting mad at him just because of some unfounded suspicions. I can be stupid at times, but I’ve decided not to be stupid this way.

Besides, once I cross that line and questions my trust on him, things ain’t gonna be pretty. It could only go downhill from there. So I choose to trust him.

In addition, if a few weeks or months distance led him to another girl, then the relationship doesn’t really have much to go on for in the first place, does it?

4. Being independent, not co-dependent
This is actually a very important point for me. I know that as much as LDR hurts, it will help me rediscover my independence and my identity. It was so easy for me to get stuck in the cycle of codependence. Independence, once lost, is really hard to regain. With it, of course, my self-confidence, that I’m capable of surviving, and living a good life, on my own.

When I’m confident enough about myself, then maybe I can have a healthy relationship without being dependent on my SO.

 

Of course it’s still hard. I loathe to think about what will happen if something bad happens to either of us. It would suck, because one can’t be physically there for the other. Without the time difference, it would probably be a little easier too, sending good mornings and good nights would make more sense.

But I really think, if we can get through this, and if this goes on as well as it does now (or even better, go on and surprise me, Life), then we will be ok in the future. We would have been used to communicating our feelings directly, to trust each other unquestioningly, and we would have been used to having to work to keep our relationship alive.

In terms of being independent, I think I’m slowly getting there. Now that I only have myself most of the times, I am a bit more aware of how I feel at all times, when I’m stressed due to uni workload, when I’m starting to panic surrounded by crowds of people…and that’s the first step forward. Identify your feelings, don’t bury them until they overflow.

I kinda love myself.

I love you.

Love,
Hope

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