Tonight, there’s an additional 442 miles between Faith and me. From 6348 to 6790. It doesn’t seem like much of a difference, but he will be out and about the whole day and may or may not have access to internet. Eight days. I know it’s doable, but I can’t help but to be a little scared, and a little more alone.
There was still a mess from yesterday, too. It’s nothing to do with our relationship, it’s my university life. I almost failed to graduate this semester. Now, it is possible for me to graduate this semester, but it’s going to be a really tough road. I haven’t prepared my mentality for such a semester, but now it has to be done, in order for me to graduate in December.
Sometimes I feel like my life is on hold. It feels like the air about me is stagnant, and that I can only feel fresh and alive again once we close the distance, or significantly lessen it, at least. I’m not saying I’m miserable, but there’s just this strange feeling, like I’m going nowhere.
And then there’s that magic. With every voice or video call, whenever I hear his voice, I just instantly knew that everything is going to be alright.
Many times in life I just want someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. This moment happened twice yesterday. He was not around to do that, of course. But I felt so glad to hear his voice at the end of the day. It’s a feeling of coming home, of comfort and safety. With him in my life, us caring for one another, I feel like I can get through anything.
Previously, I was only planning for around 8 months of LDR, with one visit. Now, it is actually possible that we might be looking at up to 13 months of LDR, but with two visits. Before I got into an LDR, I always thought that I would never do one that’s more than a year. Now I know, that the choice lies in the heart, and heck yes the heart wants to go on. Even if *touchwood* something happens and it might stretch more than a year or two, I know I won’t just give up. It’s hard, but I have to give it a try. For some miraculous reason, he seems to want it to work, too, and is willing to go through this with me. It makes me feel so loved.
Some days are tougher, some hours are more bearable.
The things that I miss are the simplest things: Looking into his eyes (admit it, it’s way nicer to do IRL, Skype doesn’t do his eyes justice), running a finger along his forearm veins, noticing the crow’s feet that appear when he laughs, sharing a meal with him, enjoying each other’s company in silence, doing groceries, trying to dance in the kitchen, taking a walk at sunset, messing with his hair, cooking/baking for him…all the homey things.
Don’t be sad that it’s all in the past. Be glad that it happened.
I’m learning to live with a hole in my heart. I can feel that a part of me is missing, but still, I live on, and live well. It could be better, of course, but I don’t regret it one bit. I’m blessed to have him in my life.
For some reasons, he always knows how to handle me when I’m at my lowest. Both in real life and in chats. Some people…put up a wall when I show my weakness. Some made light of it, some changed the topic, some tried to fix my problems their way, some were hard to approach. He is none of that. It took me some time to trust him enough to open up my deepest, darkest emotions, but he didn’t run away. He stayed. He embraced me, and supported me. And he still stays. I’m glad I opened up to him.
Oh ya, you know how an LDR makes you a better communicator? Today I found out that it’s making me a better communicator to others too, not just to him. I was pleasantly surprised, and quite proud of myself 😛
Dear Faith, I hope you will have an awesome eight days ahead! I love you so much. I’m reserving a space in my heart just for you 😉 It can’t be too big, else I’ll be dysfunctional without you by my side, but it’s significant, and it will always be there. It’s choped! 😛