I’m Not Okay

Who am I kidding? I’m not okay.

I’m not okay today. I’m tired, I have a lot of work to do, and it seems never ending. Much of the additional work was not even my fault to begin with. I need someone I can talk to about my feelings and my fears. I’m scared. There are still more than three months to go before I’m done with the semester. A part of me thinks I’ll be alright, that I’m stronger than ever before, but it doesn’t omit the fact that another part of me is scared.

I bought dinner and brought it back to my room. I’m not okay today to eat alone in public. It can be Scheiße when things that are Scheiße happens to you and the one you want to share it with the most is not around. It’s nobody’s fault, but it doesn’t make it any better. For the first time in more than a week, I feel like crying.

I should stop denying it, because I am definitely not okay tonight.

And I have to learn to accept that it is OKAY to be not okay sometimes. I shouldn’t keep up thinking that I’m okay all the time when I’m not. It is okay to be down. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel tired. Give yourself a break, let yourself feel what you actually feel. And then pick yourself up. Know it that even if you’re not okay now, you will be okay again soon. You are a fighter, and you can march on.

If you feel sad, cry, and then wipe your tears. If you fall down, be down, and then pick yourself up.

Nobody has to be strong all the time. Learn to accept yourself in good times and bad times. It sounds like a wedding vow, and yes, before you are able to accept someone else in good times and bad times, you have to learn to accept yourself in good times and bad times.

Cry, Hope, and then march on.

I just remembered something. There was a time that I had to climb a rock climbing wall. I had failed once before, and it left a mark on me, and I was so scared of failing again. Having a fear of heights didn’t help at all either. Still, I climbed. After about 1.5-2m, I started feeling very scared, and I started crying. A panic attack was imminent. Strangely enough, I climbed on. I climbed on as I cried, and I reached the top. After that, I had a bad bout of panic attack, even after I reached the ground, and that, plus another thing, made me associate that experience with a bad memory. But until now, I’m still amazed that I actually managed to cry and climb at the same time. Now that’s the kind of strength I need to survive this semester.

Love,
Hope

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