Selves

It’s another day when I just miss Faith. Still manageable, but yeah, I miss him.

I had one clusterfuck of a dream -.- I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty because it’s just a dream, but yes what a clusterfuck. It involved me getting together with a guy, who in real life is a friend’s boyfriend. And Faith is nowhere to be seen (or heard from) in the dream. Yeah, it’s messed up -.- That guy was so clingy in the dream, that I was wondering if that’s how clingy I perceive myself to be. That needs work.

Does it?

I read that women always want to do something. They always want to fix something and make good things better. I’m not sure how much of it is true for me. I guess it’s something like I don’t feel like I deserve a break, I have to continually improve myself. Of course logically I know that’s not true, I deserve a break sometimes too. Self-acceptance is better said than done, though.

I feel like I’m a little broken inside. I’m not down or sad about it, really, I’m taking it as-a-matter-of-factly. Honestly, there are lots of things I would like to improve about myself. At the higher list of priority now is dependency and clinginess. Then there’s my stress-prone nature and my habit of running away when things get tough. Then, being a worrywart and holding hurt feelings from the past. And there are also things that I can’t help with, like occasional headaches (that seriously only starts after I came back to Singapore -.-) and feeling sleepy many times despite having supposedly enough sleep.

Then again, I know there are things I love about me. I’m apparently more efficient and tenacious than I thought I am. I took up challenges and don’t just give up. This time, I have lots of friends, too. I’m more sociable than I was. I know how to juggle my timetable and get everything done, and still have time for social activities and of course dedicate some to my relationship, too. I’m a better communicator now. I know how to love. (At least I think so.) I can remain positive even in difficult times.

Whether or not I’ve improved myself, I know myself a lot better now. I know that I want to improve myself because I want to be a better person to people around me. I don’t want to hurt others again due to my carelessness.

I have a feeling that at the core of the issue is my self-esteem. There are two conflicting sides to how I view myself. 1. I think I’m good enough, I’ve improved a lot after all, and I’m too lazy to change more. 2. I think the nice people in my life deserve someone better, but I’m not willing to let them go, so I have to become that better person.

I don’t even know what to think anymore ._. I write because I thought it would make my thoughts clearer, but now I’m even more confused.

Faith sent me a really touching long message yesterday. It made me feel so loved. Most people wouldn’t take that much effort to get to know me and to understand me. Even when they see that I have some issues, most people would just tell me to go on and not give up. Never had anyone tell me “stop” and analyse if what I’m doing is really what I want to be doing.

He said there’s a dissonance between ‘the Skype me’ and ‘the blog me’. I have to admit, although at first I didn’t realise it until he told me, it’s most definitely true. The Skype me is the social me, the blog me is who I am in private, when I’m just with my thoughts. I think it’s natural to have different personalities in different situations? I would be a different self when I’m with friends, for example, and another self when I’m with my family. It depends on the relations I have with them. That is not to say that any of these personalities is a lie. They’re all me, it’s just a matter of how deep into my real self it is, how much of my real self is uncovered.

Another reason might be that I usually only blog when my emotions are running either low, or high. Neutral blog posts are a bit rarer. That might be why I sound different.

Anyway, getting back to different versions of me, I would say that the version of me when I’m with Faith is getting closer and closer to the private me, as we get to know each other more and as I realise that it’s okay to open up to him.

It takes time. I mean, in the past, opening up had led to quarrels, some really bad ones, but that was also partly because of poor communication and poor match, too. I do realise, it’s a necessary part of getting to know each other, that we open up and see each other for who we really are.

I love who I am when I’m with Faith. The self who is with Faith might have started out as a subset of my real self, but I think it is changing the real me, too.

I think it’s part of a healthy relationship, bringing out the best in each other, and creating a safe zone for us to be ourselves.

Love,
Hope

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