Letting Go and Other Musings

I’m slowly but surely picking myself up again. The second half of the semester is starting, whee~! During my one-week term break, I actually missed having classes, haha.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell Faith about my sadness or upset feelings over Skype, because I’m always so happy when I’m on Skype with him, and all negative feelings are forgotten momentarily. The world stops, and it’s just me and him. And usually boom, 3-5 hours passed. @.@ I really don’t get the flow of time when I’m with him. Time not just flies, it’s propelled with a “WHOOSH!!!” like a rocket.

I guess this time I’ll blog about some random things that popped up in my mind during the past week, but haven’t gotten round to write about.

1. Letting go of the past.

There are some things that I find hard to let go, usually some negative feelings from the past. It’s hard for me to forgive and forget, and especially so when whoever did what I perceive as a wrongdoing to me did not apologise. It’s irritating when you talk about how you can’t get over this feeling of hurt to someone, and instead of an apology, you’re hearing how he thinks you should let go and be told what to do. Geez.

My conclusion: If I can’t forgive, I should at least forget. Bury it deep inside and forget it. Maybe one day I can finally let go. It doesn’t matter that much now, anyway.

2. Philosophy

Haha. I’ve been learning philosophy for about a month now. It’s still tough, and I find things very abstract at times, but I’m also feeling something amazing. Many a times, life feels pitch black, and living is like trying to find your way in the dark, reaching your hands into the unknown. Studying philosophy and reading about the thoughts of past great thinkers actually feel like these great men are holding a torch for me and showing me the way. It gives me a certain grip in life. It’s a bit hard to say at this stage, but I get this feeling that I’m being guided, and that I’m not alone.

Maybe I just read too much, hahaha.

3. Relationship. (duh.)

I think there are many ways a relationship can go wrong. I’m marvelling at how things work out so well right now, yet at the same time I know I can’t take it for granted. It takes work. To Future Me, I hope (hihi) you won’t stop putting in work. That’s for Future Faith as well 😀 *wink wink*

Work also means anticipating problems to come and dealing with them before they become bigger issues. Nip eye candies in the bud, for example. I’m still wondering if it counts as emotional cheating when the object of affection is fictional 😛 Or my guitar XD But yeah, you get the point. Things that seemingly harmless could potentially be something big, I learned that before. So now, being constantly vigilant might be the way to go.

I really love how when I started to marvel at how well things are working out for us, he responded, “As long as we both enjoy it, I don’t see why things shouldn’t work out.” That element of human agency is so empowering. It’s the same thing I like when I read about Nietzsche and Sartre, that power that each of us have to shape our lives. Life is not pre-determined, it’s up to us to make something out of it. That is nice to hear, and so is hearing about him also enjoying being in this relationship 🙂

Yesterday was mostly a down day, and after dinner, being mostly emotionally numb for the whole day, I was only slightly excited about Skyping him soon. I dropped him a message saying that I’m ready, but I noticed that he was not online yet. So……I changed into a dress, put on some makeup and did my hair into a side braid. Somehow all that only took 10 minutes. Time was warped yet again, I think.

After that 10 minutes, I actually felt much better. I was no longer numb, and I was feeling confident, pretty (hehe), excited, and optimistic. All that from getting of my bum and taking care of how I look.

Then I dropped him another message, and I thought that if he didn’t come online soon, my makeup was going to get thicker and thicker XD But he came online just a split second after I sent that message. Whoa, nice timing.

And then…as the call was connecting, my heart raced. “Omg what will he think about my look? Do I look silly? Will he think I look silly? Omgomgomg.”

But he seemed to like it 😀 And also amazed at the fact that I managed to pick a dress and do my hair and make up in ten minutes flat XD

When we had a break from the call as he went out to buy cake ingredients, I took some selfies and use one of the photos as my profile picture on Facebook XD So there, on my profile picture, is Faith’s girlfriend. It’s how she dresses up for a date with him 🙂

Oh, and talking about Skype, there was this very cute thing that happened some 1.5 weeks ago maybe. We were on Skype, and he left me for a bit while he went to the bathroom. I (or rather his phone) was put on a table in the living room of his house. I went to open Facebook while waiting, until suddenly…I heard a meow.

I don’t remember him being able to imitate a cat’s sound that well, and I reopened the minimised Skype window, to see his family cat on the screen :3 It looked at me. I said, “Hallo, Wolli!” It meowed back. Ahahahahaha. It lingered for a while before going away, but I was still laughing when Faith came back. That was sooo adorable. My one regret is that I was so amused I forgot to take a screen cap :/ Let’s hope the cat will say hi again one day.

4. Me

Some thoughts about myself. Faith said it’s hard to know when I disagree with something, hahaha. Hmm. I think I rarely disagree with him, that’s true. I mean, we’re quite alike in many ways.

Do I not speak up when I disagree? It’s a bit hard for me to tell, because many times what he does is what I will do as well. And then there are things that I consider are too small to speak up about, but maybe I will. Things like no, I don’t like kidney beans 😦 Or most beans for that matter. They feel so dry in the mouth. Green peas are ok. Then again, I changed from not liking olives to liking them much, as well as tolerating capsicums -.-

That sounded like digression ._.

I guess I was kind of used to speaking up and yet nobody changes a thing, so I opted to just keep quiet (until I can’t take it anymore, aka when it suddenly blows up.) That’s…my conclusion after some thinking the past week.

I know that Faith is different. He listens, and he tries to make things better for me. I guess I should work to be in tune with my feelings more, and let him know when I know I disagree with something.

You know, this sounds silly, but sometimes I wonder if we will work out in close distance as well as in a long distance relationship. Sure, we did 2.5 months of close distance, and it was paradise. Then comes the long distance phase, and we’re managing it way better than I ever expected before. Sometimes I wonder, if we will be ok after transitioning into close distance. I think it’ll be more than ok, but being a natural worrier, there’s just that slight nagging doubt that wonders if maybe we’ll irritate each other on close distance.

Then again, just like he said, if both of us enjoy being with each other, it will work out. Things are workable. There’s not really a solid base for this thought anyway.

When a light bulb burns out, you don’t go and buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.

Anyway. This post is getting much longer than expected :p And I have a test tomorrow. And I still need to read some 20 pages of Aristotle before bed. (Bedtime story?)

Good night everyone!

Love,
Hope

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