The Plateau

I’m currently on what I term “the plateau”. It’s what I’ve decided to call this state of ginormous reluctance to do anything productive, before I get to speak to Faith -.- It’s happened a few times now, and it’s happening now. Sometimes I just let myself be, and wait until I get to speak to him, before resuming normalcy. It did happen before, though, that I just forced myself to continue studying despite my total lack of motivation, and I got quite some work done.

I’ll just let myself be this time :p

Seventy seven days before I can finally physically hug him 🙂

Seeing Oslo on TV is a strange feeling. I was there. That was my city of revival. That was where I went after leaving Faith behind, where I felt really down and desperate, forced myself to travel, didn’t get to do much, sulked, let myself be drowned in sorrow, and then….recovered, went out and randomly got to know someone new, and actually enjoyed myself. It’s still painful remembering those days, but I’m proud that I made a comeback and did not get utterly destroyed.

Actually, one of the fears I have in meeting Faith again is that there will be one more goodbye to say at the end. That sounds silly, I know. We will have so much more time together, making memories together, and I’m still scared of the goodbye that follows, but really, I loathe feeling the way I felt back then. It would probably not be as bad, now that I know what it’s like, it’s no longer fear of the unknown. Plus, we would see each other again sooner than this time round :’)

I just have to chill and let myself be down. I’ve learned that letting myself be down for a while actually helps. Always wanting to be up and doing something productive is actually making life unnecessarily more stressful.

Soooo…down-time, as I wait and see if Faith will come online! 🙂

Love,
Hope

And make it double!

I have 8 minutes to write before I have to go! Hihi.

Just skyped with Faith again. It’s always so nice to see how happy we both are to see each other!

It was a bit hard to concentrate in class today. My thoughts kept going back to Faith. It’s usually not as bad, but well, I did manage to listen to most of the lecture in the end, with a few daydreams in between and me urgently prompting myself to focus on the lecture first and then I can daydream all I want once it’s over -.-

I can’t really remember how exactly we got together. There’s got to be some magic involved :p It just seemed to work out.

I’m flying back home tomorrow, for about 5.5 days. I haven’t been home since 8.5 months ago, so it’s nice to finally go back home. Yeah, I’ll be dependent on Wi-Fi and won’t have 4G as a backup, but I think the Wi-Fi should work out just fine. You see, ever since getting into an LDR, the internet, which has always been important to me, has taken a wholly new level of importance. Without the internet, there are still voice calls using Skype credit, or sms-es, but they’re not free (and as such you can’t call for hours or send hundreds of messages :P). The other alternative is snail mail, which has a significant loading time. Skype video call is still the most important tool.

Heh, and….things like hugging your laptop happens when your boyfriend is “in” the laptop XD

I’m going out now, but I’ll be back in a couple of hours’ time, and then maybe I’ll get to Skype with Faith again, yoohoo! 😀

Love,
Hope

Priorities

Things to overcome before graduation: 4 midterms, 3 term papers, 2 presentations, 5 final exams. I did not include my language module (Chinese) because it simply has too many tests XD Truth be told, I have no idea how I’m going to do it all in a span of 9-10 weeks, but, eh, it’ll be done somehow.

Time management becomes crucial. After all, besides studying I still need some time for myself to de-stress, and obviously I still need some time with Faith, too 🙂

We skyped last night, I watched him baked a drool-inducing apple tart and I got to say hi to his family, because he’s currently at home, heheh. This Sunday we might have a rare Skype occasion when both of us are in our own homes, since I’m flying back on Saturday 😀

Faith marked that somehow I still seem to have time to Skype him, despite the craziness of my last semester. I said it’s a matter of priority. I guess that’s part of the story. He’s important to me, so he’s high up in my priority list. Another thing, he helps with my de-stressing, mentally and socially. I need that depth level of communication I don’t easily find with others. And…tied back to the issue of prioritisation, I knew how it is to feel like you’re a low priority to someone important to you, and I don’t wish it for him to ever feel that.

There was this strange moment that happened some time last week. After sending him a lovey-dovey message on Facebook, somehow my brain reverted back to when we were just friends for a split second. In that split second, I thought, “What the hell did I just message him? We’re just friends, this will be awkward!” -_-” I guess sometimes it still seems unbelievable how far we’ve gone, how close we’ve become, haha.

It’s a wonderful feeling knowing there’s someone out there, far, far away, who loves you dearly and is in a special relationship with you x3

Love,
Hope

-88

Had another great Skype session last night 🙂 He complimented me so much yesterday, haha, I can’t help but to feel more confident about myself today. Admittedly things got hard, being so far away from each other, but I’m not giving up, and I hope and think he’s not giving up either. It makes me realise how much of LDR is really about having faith, not just in the sense that you have to trust that the other person won’t cheat, no, more importantly, is that we have to trust each other not to give up. If even just one party decides that he/she has had enough, then it’s the end. It freaks me out when I imagine one day he will just tell me he doesn’t want to do this anymore, but it’s silly worrying about it when everything’s fine in reality.

I’m doing ok. On weekdays I’m usually busy and meeting many people, so the worst that I feel is usually nothing, just numbness. Most of the days were great, there was a night and a morning of loneliness, but it was gone after I got back into my daily routine. Weekends are a bit trickier. Sometimes it just feels like how it felt back when I had depression. It’s not that bad, I think, but there’s just this big inertia to just get me to do something other than sleep or eat or stone in front of my computer. There’s work to be done, but on weekends it feels as if I’m on paralysis.

Today was quite, eh, wasted. I took in something dairy yesterday and spent today sleeping it off due to my allergy -_- Now I’m fine again, physically, but I just don’t feel like doing anything. It might be okay not to do anything, but in reality I have much things to do :/

Weekends are needed. I can’t go through busy weekday after another, I’ll collapse. However, it’s always on weekends that I merely become an existence. It’s on weekends that it seems like it will be a lifetime before I see Faith again. How I long to be held in his arms!

Right now I want to split into two and console myself :/ Hug myself, and tell her that it’s okay to stop and sit down somewhere, not moving. Yes, yes, things have to be done, but you don’t have to beat yourself over not doing them. Some days are just tougher than others. It’s okay to be down, don’t blame yourself. In time, you’ll pick yourself up again :’)

Love,
Hope

Day 34

Hello. I just read up on Hegel, Husserl and Heidegger, and am supposed to be reading 60 more pages on Heidegger, but I can’t take it anymore, so here I am 😛

I wasn’t feeling too well over the weekend and mostly slacked and just like Faith, “minimise movement to a level necessary only to sustain life.” I’m back to feeling ok today, but oh man, work’s waiting for me. I have a presentation in less than 48 hours too, very early in the morning on Wednesday, and I’m quite nervous about it. I think I have an easy question to tackle (in that it’s a “what” question instead of a “why” or “how” or “evaluate critically” kind of question). Then again, there’s all the trauma from having failed the module before -.- This time round it’s much better, though, in terms of my own condition and also the teaching staff 🙂 I think it’ll be fine.

I’m starting to feel comfortable in the political science modules that I’m taking. Actually, to be honest, the ancient western political thought module starts to be…addictive. ._. Philosophy is getting a little better, too. (But I still think 10am is too early to be philosophising, and two days in a row, too -.-)

Had a really great Skype session yesterday night. I managed to become Faith’s kitchen assistant once again, hihihi, reading out the recipe and telling him what to do next XD I really enjoyed it. Hey, cook earlier next time :p It was sooo fun, it’s like being involved in each other’s lives again, instead of just telling what we had experienced the past few days.

Yeah, truth be told, over the weekend that I was “grounded”, “weeds” started to grow in the garden. I’m talking about fear and doubts here. If you add 10,000km to a relationship, you’re adding a lot of factors in. Things start to occur to the mind, things like “will we be able to maintain this connection?” and “what if we just run out of things to talk about and drift apart?”. I don’t have an answer to that. The only thing I can say to myself is that both of us will need to be more creative, especially as time goes by, so that our relationship remains interesting. It applies to every relationship, really, but with our means of communication limited by physical distance, we can’t just cuddle, or go to the cinema, or go for a swim together. Conventional things can’t be done, so we have to find substitutes. Effort + creativity + being with the right person should be a good recipe.

Meeting him again will be oh so sweet. With my powerful imagination I did manage to imagine a bit of how it would be like, but I think it’s only a meagre percentage of what it’ll be like in real life 🙂

Last night, right before I fell asleep, I suddenly thought and felt that all this seems like a dream. I can’t believe I’m with Faith. I can still remember time before I knew him, it was just slightly over a year ago that we got to know each other, and real slowly at first, too. For a moment, it felt like I could wake up any time and then mourn that it was all just a dream. (Might be a little too much philosophy -.- How do you know the world as it appears to you is real? I think philosophy is messing with my brain.)

I think it’s a good thing. (The feeling like it’s just a dream, not the ‘too much philosophy’ bit -.-)

I realised that this is one of the rare times in recent years in my life that I don’t feel like I’m living a double life, and it’s good. It used to feel like there are many faces of me, and really, it’s tiring to have to live different lives, so to say. Now, it feels to me like there’s a unity inside, a harmony between the different roles I play, the student, the daughter, the girlfriend, they’re one now. 🙂

I suspect that doing philosophy is doing good to me in the long run (and flipping my brain in the short run :P)

Love,
Hope

Happee

So far, this semester rocks.

There were some screw ups, but nothing major. Other than that, studies are still manageable, and…surprise, I have an active social life! Haha. I don’t know if it will still be so after this week ends, as most of the events I have are scheduled until the end of this week, but I think it’ll be fine. I’m even making new friends in classes, and there are three things that are only starting this week, too.

More energy would be highly appreciated, but other than that, I’m happy. Tired but happy.

Love,
Hope