Updates!

Sorry for the long absence! This semester turns to be the craziest semester I ever have (so far). Juggling six classes is already something, and I’m having a presentation every week for now and the next two weeks, not to mention final tests (physics and chinese), oral test (chinese), aaaaand the most important thing: TestDaf – something like a German version of TOEFL, that I need to pass and score well to apply for some of the master programmes in Germany. There are three papers due within three weeks too, but I’ve written them all way before the deadlines (two 5 weeks in advance and one 7 weeks in advance, in anticipation of this crazy period). I’m sooo thankful for the past me for getting shit done.

I marvel at how I’m still standing, going out with friends every now and then and not being depressed and crying in my bed hours on end. I do get depressed days last week, but it lasted some three days and I bounced back after.

A lot of things had been on my mind, but for today, I guess I’ll settle with just update on my current situation, haha.

Last week, I was in that bad place again. Not for too long, but at the time, it felt like forever. So I was getting some 14-16 hours of sleep for three consecutive nights, and I had crying spells during those three days. I skipped classes on two days, and the other one day was a public holiday. On the last of the three days, I was curled up in my bed, crying, before I felt so sick of all this crying. I put on my running shoes and went on a walk/jog. I felt mentally better after that, but hell, the next day my hips were hurting. (I have some pre-existing conditions.) It was ok after a swim on weekend, and mentally, I completed rebuilding¬†myself after a Skype session with Faith, too. I haven’t been crying since. Just back to numbness, could be better, could be worse.

Anyway, I was freaking out last week, about how depression might mess up my relationship. I decided to see a counsellor. The waiting list was long, though, it being this late in the semester when everyone’s really stressed, and the earliest appointment I can get is in two weeks’ time (so next week).

I don’t really know what to expect when I see the counsellor next week. Do I even know my problems? Maybe. What I feel about my life is quite mercurial, though, I change from one day to the next. It would be quite strange if I see the counsellor when I’m at my highest XD But I guess I just need an additional person to talk to. It won’t be easy opening up to someone new, but it’s something that needs to be done, both for myself, and for my relationship.

Man, I’m sleepy. I’m supposed to be working on my project, but the bed is inviting me…

Love,
Hope

-88

Had another great Skype session last night ūüôā He complimented me so much yesterday, haha, I can’t help but to feel more confident about myself today. Admittedly things got hard, being so far away from each other, but I’m not giving up, and I hope and think he’s not giving up either. It makes me realise how much of LDR is really about having faith, not just in the sense that you have to trust that the other person won’t cheat, no, more importantly, is that we have to trust each other not to give up. If even just one party decides that he/she has had enough, then it’s the end. It freaks me out when I imagine one day he will just tell me he doesn’t want to do this anymore, but it’s silly worrying about it when everything’s fine in reality.

I’m doing ok. On weekdays I’m usually busy and meeting many people, so the worst that I feel is usually nothing, just numbness. Most of the days were great, there was a night and a morning of loneliness, but it was gone after I got back into my daily routine. Weekends are a bit trickier. Sometimes it just feels like how it felt back when I had depression. It’s not that bad, I think, but there’s just this big inertia to just get me to do something other than sleep or eat or stone in front of my computer. There’s work to be done, but on weekends it feels as if I’m on paralysis.

Today was quite, eh, wasted. I took in something dairy yesterday and spent today sleeping it off due to my allergy -_- Now I’m fine again, physically, but I just don’t feel like doing anything. It might be okay not to do anything, but in reality I have much things to do :/

Weekends are needed. I can’t go through busy weekday after another, I’ll collapse. However, it’s always on weekends that I merely become an existence. It’s on weekends that it seems like it will be a lifetime before I see Faith again. How I long to be held in his arms!

Right now I want to split into two and console myself :/ Hug myself, and tell her that it’s okay to stop and sit down somewhere, not moving. Yes, yes, things have to be done, but you don’t have to beat yourself over not doing them. Some days are just tougher than others. It’s okay to be down, don’t blame yourself. In time, you’ll pick yourself up again :’)

Love,
Hope

I’m Not Okay

Who am I kidding? I’m not okay.

I’m not okay today. I’m tired, I have a lot of work to do, and it seems never ending. Much of the additional work was not even my fault to begin with. I need someone I can talk to about my feelings and my fears. I’m scared. There are still more than three months to go before I’m done with the semester. A part of me thinks I’ll be alright, that I’m stronger than ever before, but it doesn’t omit the fact that another part of me is scared.

I bought dinner and brought it back to my room. I’m not okay today¬†to eat alone in public. It can be Schei√üe when things that are Schei√üe happens to you and the one you want to share it with the most is not around. It’s nobody’s fault, but it doesn’t make it any better. For the first time in more than a week, I feel like crying.

I should stop denying it, because I am definitely not okay tonight.

And I have to learn to accept that it is OKAY to be not okay sometimes. I shouldn’t keep up thinking that I’m okay all the time when I’m not. It is okay to be down. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel tired. Give yourself a break, let yourself feel what you actually feel. And then pick yourself up. Know it that even if you’re not okay now, you will be okay again soon. You are a fighter, and you can march on.

If you feel sad, cry, and then wipe your tears. If you fall down, be down, and then pick yourself up.

Nobody has to be strong all the time. Learn to accept yourself in good times and bad times. It sounds like a wedding vow, and yes, before you are able to accept someone else in good times and bad times, you have to learn to accept yourself in good times and bad times.

Cry, Hope, and then march on.

I just remembered something. There was a time that I had to climb a rock climbing wall. I had failed once before, and it left a mark on me, and I was so scared of failing again. Having a fear of heights didn’t help at all either. Still, I climbed. After about 1.5-2m, I started feeling very scared, and I started crying. A panic attack was imminent. Strangely enough, I climbed on. I climbed on as I cried, and I reached the top. After that, I had a bad bout of panic attack, even after I reached the ground, and that, plus another thing, made me associate that experience with a bad memory. But until now, I’m still amazed that I actually managed to cry and climb at the same time. Now that’s the kind of strength I need to survive this semester.

Love,
Hope

Fighting Depression

That hole in my heart is big.

Sometimes it feels like living a double life. There’s the public face when I’m with other people. She looks normal, and happy,¬† sociable even, and will just strikes conversations with strangers. And then there’s that private side that cries daily in my room, that feels like she’s wearing a mask when out in public alone.

The single fighter in me is being called back from retirement. And she’s not happy about it.

Life’s a battle.

Today I bought¬†the same body spray that he has, haha, and then I used it as air freshener. At first I was wondering, if it will smell the same. And then…it hit me hard. It smells just like him. It’s a little comforting to smell it again, but mostly heart-wrenching.

Now I’m just waiting until night time, when, presumably some family discussion will take place. I really, really want to go there in December. My mom doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but I kept telling her how much this means to me, in terms of my mental health too. I don’t want to keep crying day after day. I don’t know if I managed to convince her. I have no idea what my dad will say. Asians: You can be 23, but even if you have your own money¬†(and I don’t have much),¬†you still have to consult your parents.

And now I don’t know what I can bring myself to do other than cry until night falls. There’s probably still another 9-10 hours to go. And if it goes badly…I really don’t know what I should do. Maybe I’ll take up the job and push on stubbornly. Nobody can know what I feel other than myself.

I don’t want to go back to that hellhole of a depression. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge, and having a solution in the near future (4 months instead of 7) will be my redemption. I don’t want to go back to thinking about killing myself. Ever. It was in the past, many, many years ago, and it was unpleasant. I feel like I’m headed back there fast. If I’m the only one left that can save myself, I would. I’m never going back there.

Four months is something my brain can comprehend. Any more, and I have a feeling I won’t survive. Or at least a part of me would die.

The big question is, can you ever fully recover from depression? I want to be hopeful and say yes, but I’m not so sure. Of course, instead of the big boulder that was in the way, now there are only pebbles. Sharp ones, and they’re growing bigger everyday, but still not a boulder.

It changes you forever.

Another sucky part about being depressed apart from, well, being depressed, is the stigma attached to it, and the lack of understanding from people. Many don’t think it’s a disease, despite evidence to the contrary. It changes your brain. The brain’s wired differently and the brain’s cocktails are messed up. People who don’t understand give out advice easily: “Take a chill pill,” “Be grateful for what you have,” “Others suffer more than you,” “Pray,” etc. The problem is that it puts the blame on the sufferer. It doesn’t help. It makes the sufferer feels worse about him/herself, and about the advice giver, but mostly about him/herself.

When I talk about my depression, I don’t seek advice. I only wish for a sliver of understanding. Most of the times, I don’t talk about it. It took me many years to tell my mom. In fact, I only managed to explain how I feel about it to her today. Depression’s stigma is all the more in Asian countries, at least that’s how I find it to be. In Germany, people are generally more understanding and accepting of the fact that it is a disease.

Even if we get better, some battle scars are forever. I can’t imagine being happy-go-lucky like I did many years before the onset of my depression. Don’t get me wrong, I did get better. During the first couple of years, I had anxiety of taking on new commitments and new activities. Only this year I try to be less passive and to be braver, because I know I can do more than just studying. I*need* to do more than just studying, that’s how I unwind. But the mood swings, the cryings, had never really gone away.

They found Robin Williams dead today, suspected of suicide, after a long battle with depression and alcohol and drug problems. I don’t really have an alcohol problems, they’re expensive here, and I’m always scared of getting drunk, so I don’t. I don’t have a drug problem, since I don’t even have access to drugs. But depression. It just made me feel sad, thinking about how a great man had lost a battle with depression. It makes me feel sad reading articles about it, thinking about how lonely and how depressed he must have felt, for many, many years, before succumbing to depression.

It makes me wonder, will I be able to avoid a similar fate?

I don’t feel like taking a risk. I want to know I will be really happy at the end of the year. I don’t want my thoughts to get taken over by depression again. I can grow stronger and more independent during the semester, but I need a reprieve too.

Love,
Hope