Grown

I feel a little different.

I feel like since I got together with Faith, something changed in me. I don’t know if he caused the changes, or it’s just a coincidence, but I’m loving it.

I used to be one angsty teenager, hahaha. Growing up, I experienced a short period of peace many, many years ago, before returning to turbulence of depression. Ever since my exchange programme, I feel like the peace has returned.

It’s not easy being so far away from him, not being able to hug him on bad days. Somehow, though, it allows me to rebuild my foundation and outlook on life. Well, that, and probably philosophy and political thought lessons -.-”

We talk about things that matter, and we haven’t quarrelled. Agreed to disagree on certain things, maybe, but not outright quarrels. It might be because of the distance, it’s not so easy to quarrel when you’re so far away from each other and is always missing the other party :p I think, though, if it’s him, I’d be fine. I’d be willing to talk.

Time flies. In a few days’ time, it would be exactly half a year since we got together. Yeah, half a year is nothing, but it sure does feel like it has been much shorter than that. We’ve barely started!

Ok on another note. Faith commented saying that my previous blog post sounded so violent with fighting and all. As I laid in bed, my brain started thinking up random thoughts. One thing led to another, and well this is how it goes: Fighting doesn’t really have to be violent. I mean, when I said ‘fight’, it’s just to get my spirit up and enthusiasm ready, like an athlete ready for a competition. Like…fighting monsters in RPG to gain experience to level up. That’s not violent, that’s just the way it is to get stronger. Wait, what about the monsters? It’s violent to them. Is it ethical to kill them in games to level up? Oh no!

Moral dilemma ensues before I drifted to sleep -_-

Love,
Hope

Boredom Beware!

BIG day tomorrow. But for now, BLOG 😀

I’m somehow managing. It’s been one of the busiest semesters I’ve ever had, and yet also one of the most manageable ones. I’m in a good state of mind, I make new friends in different classes, and I can always talk to Faith when I need someone to talk to.

He makes it so easy for me to love him, even despite the distance.

You know the saying that goes like if you love someone, you got to let him go? Bullshit. If you love someone, you work hard to make it easy for him to be happy. You can’t make someone happy, but you can work to create conditions that make it easy for him to be happy. Yeah. Just a thought.

After all that I wrote about the dangers of LDR, the threats of mistrust and miscommunication (or the lack thereof) and all, I identified a new potential enemy! It can be even more deadly, or at least as debilitating as the rest of them baddies, but it comes so silently you won’t know it’s there until it’s too late. Except if you continue to anticipate it and stomp it at the first signs of appearance. I’m talking about boredom.

Nah, I’m not bored (yet, at least), but I was just thinking that boredom is deadly. If you see it coming, then you can anticipate it and do things differently.

Haha, I’m kind of seeing this whole thing as a war of me and him on one side and these baddies on the other. We’re winning by far 😛 Arrogance will be the cause of downfall, so eh, continue to screen for potential problems and remain vigilant.

But I think I’ll go to bed now 🙂 BIG day tomorrow, and I have to wake up early with my brain as alert as possible (foreseeing the need for coffee!)

Love,
Hope

Letting Go and Other Musings

I’m slowly but surely picking myself up again. The second half of the semester is starting, whee~! During my one-week term break, I actually missed having classes, haha.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell Faith about my sadness or upset feelings over Skype, because I’m always so happy when I’m on Skype with him, and all negative feelings are forgotten momentarily. The world stops, and it’s just me and him. And usually boom, 3-5 hours passed. @.@ I really don’t get the flow of time when I’m with him. Time not just flies, it’s propelled with a “WHOOSH!!!” like a rocket.

I guess this time I’ll blog about some random things that popped up in my mind during the past week, but haven’t gotten round to write about.

1. Letting go of the past.

There are some things that I find hard to let go, usually some negative feelings from the past. It’s hard for me to forgive and forget, and especially so when whoever did what I perceive as a wrongdoing to me did not apologise. It’s irritating when you talk about how you can’t get over this feeling of hurt to someone, and instead of an apology, you’re hearing how he thinks you should let go and be told what to do. Geez.

My conclusion: If I can’t forgive, I should at least forget. Bury it deep inside and forget it. Maybe one day I can finally let go. It doesn’t matter that much now, anyway.

2. Philosophy

Haha. I’ve been learning philosophy for about a month now. It’s still tough, and I find things very abstract at times, but I’m also feeling something amazing. Many a times, life feels pitch black, and living is like trying to find your way in the dark, reaching your hands into the unknown. Studying philosophy and reading about the thoughts of past great thinkers actually feel like these great men are holding a torch for me and showing me the way. It gives me a certain grip in life. It’s a bit hard to say at this stage, but I get this feeling that I’m being guided, and that I’m not alone.

Maybe I just read too much, hahaha.

3. Relationship. (duh.)

I think there are many ways a relationship can go wrong. I’m marvelling at how things work out so well right now, yet at the same time I know I can’t take it for granted. It takes work. To Future Me, I hope (hihi) you won’t stop putting in work. That’s for Future Faith as well 😀 *wink wink*

Work also means anticipating problems to come and dealing with them before they become bigger issues. Nip eye candies in the bud, for example. I’m still wondering if it counts as emotional cheating when the object of affection is fictional 😛 Or my guitar XD But yeah, you get the point. Things that seemingly harmless could potentially be something big, I learned that before. So now, being constantly vigilant might be the way to go.

I really love how when I started to marvel at how well things are working out for us, he responded, “As long as we both enjoy it, I don’t see why things shouldn’t work out.” That element of human agency is so empowering. It’s the same thing I like when I read about Nietzsche and Sartre, that power that each of us have to shape our lives. Life is not pre-determined, it’s up to us to make something out of it. That is nice to hear, and so is hearing about him also enjoying being in this relationship 🙂

Yesterday was mostly a down day, and after dinner, being mostly emotionally numb for the whole day, I was only slightly excited about Skyping him soon. I dropped him a message saying that I’m ready, but I noticed that he was not online yet. So……I changed into a dress, put on some makeup and did my hair into a side braid. Somehow all that only took 10 minutes. Time was warped yet again, I think.

After that 10 minutes, I actually felt much better. I was no longer numb, and I was feeling confident, pretty (hehe), excited, and optimistic. All that from getting of my bum and taking care of how I look.

Then I dropped him another message, and I thought that if he didn’t come online soon, my makeup was going to get thicker and thicker XD But he came online just a split second after I sent that message. Whoa, nice timing.

And then…as the call was connecting, my heart raced. “Omg what will he think about my look? Do I look silly? Will he think I look silly? Omgomgomg.”

But he seemed to like it 😀 And also amazed at the fact that I managed to pick a dress and do my hair and make up in ten minutes flat XD

When we had a break from the call as he went out to buy cake ingredients, I took some selfies and use one of the photos as my profile picture on Facebook XD So there, on my profile picture, is Faith’s girlfriend. It’s how she dresses up for a date with him 🙂

Oh, and talking about Skype, there was this very cute thing that happened some 1.5 weeks ago maybe. We were on Skype, and he left me for a bit while he went to the bathroom. I (or rather his phone) was put on a table in the living room of his house. I went to open Facebook while waiting, until suddenly…I heard a meow.

I don’t remember him being able to imitate a cat’s sound that well, and I reopened the minimised Skype window, to see his family cat on the screen :3 It looked at me. I said, “Hallo, Wolli!” It meowed back. Ahahahahaha. It lingered for a while before going away, but I was still laughing when Faith came back. That was sooo adorable. My one regret is that I was so amused I forgot to take a screen cap :/ Let’s hope the cat will say hi again one day.

4. Me

Some thoughts about myself. Faith said it’s hard to know when I disagree with something, hahaha. Hmm. I think I rarely disagree with him, that’s true. I mean, we’re quite alike in many ways.

Do I not speak up when I disagree? It’s a bit hard for me to tell, because many times what he does is what I will do as well. And then there are things that I consider are too small to speak up about, but maybe I will. Things like no, I don’t like kidney beans 😦 Or most beans for that matter. They feel so dry in the mouth. Green peas are ok. Then again, I changed from not liking olives to liking them much, as well as tolerating capsicums -.-

That sounded like digression ._.

I guess I was kind of used to speaking up and yet nobody changes a thing, so I opted to just keep quiet (until I can’t take it anymore, aka when it suddenly blows up.) That’s…my conclusion after some thinking the past week.

I know that Faith is different. He listens, and he tries to make things better for me. I guess I should work to be in tune with my feelings more, and let him know when I know I disagree with something.

You know, this sounds silly, but sometimes I wonder if we will work out in close distance as well as in a long distance relationship. Sure, we did 2.5 months of close distance, and it was paradise. Then comes the long distance phase, and we’re managing it way better than I ever expected before. Sometimes I wonder, if we will be ok after transitioning into close distance. I think it’ll be more than ok, but being a natural worrier, there’s just that slight nagging doubt that wonders if maybe we’ll irritate each other on close distance.

Then again, just like he said, if both of us enjoy being with each other, it will work out. Things are workable. There’s not really a solid base for this thought anyway.

When a light bulb burns out, you don’t go and buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.

Anyway. This post is getting much longer than expected :p And I have a test tomorrow. And I still need to read some 20 pages of Aristotle before bed. (Bedtime story?)

Good night everyone!

Love,
Hope

Day 34

Hello. I just read up on Hegel, Husserl and Heidegger, and am supposed to be reading 60 more pages on Heidegger, but I can’t take it anymore, so here I am 😛

I wasn’t feeling too well over the weekend and mostly slacked and just like Faith, “minimise movement to a level necessary only to sustain life.” I’m back to feeling ok today, but oh man, work’s waiting for me. I have a presentation in less than 48 hours too, very early in the morning on Wednesday, and I’m quite nervous about it. I think I have an easy question to tackle (in that it’s a “what” question instead of a “why” or “how” or “evaluate critically” kind of question). Then again, there’s all the trauma from having failed the module before -.- This time round it’s much better, though, in terms of my own condition and also the teaching staff 🙂 I think it’ll be fine.

I’m starting to feel comfortable in the political science modules that I’m taking. Actually, to be honest, the ancient western political thought module starts to be…addictive. ._. Philosophy is getting a little better, too. (But I still think 10am is too early to be philosophising, and two days in a row, too -.-)

Had a really great Skype session yesterday night. I managed to become Faith’s kitchen assistant once again, hihihi, reading out the recipe and telling him what to do next XD I really enjoyed it. Hey, cook earlier next time :p It was sooo fun, it’s like being involved in each other’s lives again, instead of just telling what we had experienced the past few days.

Yeah, truth be told, over the weekend that I was “grounded”, “weeds” started to grow in the garden. I’m talking about fear and doubts here. If you add 10,000km to a relationship, you’re adding a lot of factors in. Things start to occur to the mind, things like “will we be able to maintain this connection?” and “what if we just run out of things to talk about and drift apart?”. I don’t have an answer to that. The only thing I can say to myself is that both of us will need to be more creative, especially as time goes by, so that our relationship remains interesting. It applies to every relationship, really, but with our means of communication limited by physical distance, we can’t just cuddle, or go to the cinema, or go for a swim together. Conventional things can’t be done, so we have to find substitutes. Effort + creativity + being with the right person should be a good recipe.

Meeting him again will be oh so sweet. With my powerful imagination I did manage to imagine a bit of how it would be like, but I think it’s only a meagre percentage of what it’ll be like in real life 🙂

Last night, right before I fell asleep, I suddenly thought and felt that all this seems like a dream. I can’t believe I’m with Faith. I can still remember time before I knew him, it was just slightly over a year ago that we got to know each other, and real slowly at first, too. For a moment, it felt like I could wake up any time and then mourn that it was all just a dream. (Might be a little too much philosophy -.- How do you know the world as it appears to you is real? I think philosophy is messing with my brain.)

I think it’s a good thing. (The feeling like it’s just a dream, not the ‘too much philosophy’ bit -.-)

I realised that this is one of the rare times in recent years in my life that I don’t feel like I’m living a double life, and it’s good. It used to feel like there are many faces of me, and really, it’s tiring to have to live different lives, so to say. Now, it feels to me like there’s a unity inside, a harmony between the different roles I play, the student, the daughter, the girlfriend, they’re one now. 🙂

I suspect that doing philosophy is doing good to me in the long run (and flipping my brain in the short run :P)

Love,
Hope

Selves

It’s another day when I just miss Faith. Still manageable, but yeah, I miss him.

I had one clusterfuck of a dream -.- I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty because it’s just a dream, but yes what a clusterfuck. It involved me getting together with a guy, who in real life is a friend’s boyfriend. And Faith is nowhere to be seen (or heard from) in the dream. Yeah, it’s messed up -.- That guy was so clingy in the dream, that I was wondering if that’s how clingy I perceive myself to be. That needs work.

Does it?

I read that women always want to do something. They always want to fix something and make good things better. I’m not sure how much of it is true for me. I guess it’s something like I don’t feel like I deserve a break, I have to continually improve myself. Of course logically I know that’s not true, I deserve a break sometimes too. Self-acceptance is better said than done, though.

I feel like I’m a little broken inside. I’m not down or sad about it, really, I’m taking it as-a-matter-of-factly. Honestly, there are lots of things I would like to improve about myself. At the higher list of priority now is dependency and clinginess. Then there’s my stress-prone nature and my habit of running away when things get tough. Then, being a worrywart and holding hurt feelings from the past. And there are also things that I can’t help with, like occasional headaches (that seriously only starts after I came back to Singapore -.-) and feeling sleepy many times despite having supposedly enough sleep.

Then again, I know there are things I love about me. I’m apparently more efficient and tenacious than I thought I am. I took up challenges and don’t just give up. This time, I have lots of friends, too. I’m more sociable than I was. I know how to juggle my timetable and get everything done, and still have time for social activities and of course dedicate some to my relationship, too. I’m a better communicator now. I know how to love. (At least I think so.) I can remain positive even in difficult times.

Whether or not I’ve improved myself, I know myself a lot better now. I know that I want to improve myself because I want to be a better person to people around me. I don’t want to hurt others again due to my carelessness.

I have a feeling that at the core of the issue is my self-esteem. There are two conflicting sides to how I view myself. 1. I think I’m good enough, I’ve improved a lot after all, and I’m too lazy to change more. 2. I think the nice people in my life deserve someone better, but I’m not willing to let them go, so I have to become that better person.

I don’t even know what to think anymore ._. I write because I thought it would make my thoughts clearer, but now I’m even more confused.

Faith sent me a really touching long message yesterday. It made me feel so loved. Most people wouldn’t take that much effort to get to know me and to understand me. Even when they see that I have some issues, most people would just tell me to go on and not give up. Never had anyone tell me “stop” and analyse if what I’m doing is really what I want to be doing.

He said there’s a dissonance between ‘the Skype me’ and ‘the blog me’. I have to admit, although at first I didn’t realise it until he told me, it’s most definitely true. The Skype me is the social me, the blog me is who I am in private, when I’m just with my thoughts. I think it’s natural to have different personalities in different situations? I would be a different self when I’m with friends, for example, and another self when I’m with my family. It depends on the relations I have with them. That is not to say that any of these personalities is a lie. They’re all me, it’s just a matter of how deep into my real self it is, how much of my real self is uncovered.

Another reason might be that I usually only blog when my emotions are running either low, or high. Neutral blog posts are a bit rarer. That might be why I sound different.

Anyway, getting back to different versions of me, I would say that the version of me when I’m with Faith is getting closer and closer to the private me, as we get to know each other more and as I realise that it’s okay to open up to him.

It takes time. I mean, in the past, opening up had led to quarrels, some really bad ones, but that was also partly because of poor communication and poor match, too. I do realise, it’s a necessary part of getting to know each other, that we open up and see each other for who we really are.

I love who I am when I’m with Faith. The self who is with Faith might have started out as a subset of my real self, but I think it is changing the real me, too.

I think it’s part of a healthy relationship, bringing out the best in each other, and creating a safe zone for us to be ourselves.

Love,
Hope

I’m Not Okay

Who am I kidding? I’m not okay.

I’m not okay today. I’m tired, I have a lot of work to do, and it seems never ending. Much of the additional work was not even my fault to begin with. I need someone I can talk to about my feelings and my fears. I’m scared. There are still more than three months to go before I’m done with the semester. A part of me thinks I’ll be alright, that I’m stronger than ever before, but it doesn’t omit the fact that another part of me is scared.

I bought dinner and brought it back to my room. I’m not okay today to eat alone in public. It can be Scheiße when things that are Scheiße happens to you and the one you want to share it with the most is not around. It’s nobody’s fault, but it doesn’t make it any better. For the first time in more than a week, I feel like crying.

I should stop denying it, because I am definitely not okay tonight.

And I have to learn to accept that it is OKAY to be not okay sometimes. I shouldn’t keep up thinking that I’m okay all the time when I’m not. It is okay to be down. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel tired. Give yourself a break, let yourself feel what you actually feel. And then pick yourself up. Know it that even if you’re not okay now, you will be okay again soon. You are a fighter, and you can march on.

If you feel sad, cry, and then wipe your tears. If you fall down, be down, and then pick yourself up.

Nobody has to be strong all the time. Learn to accept yourself in good times and bad times. It sounds like a wedding vow, and yes, before you are able to accept someone else in good times and bad times, you have to learn to accept yourself in good times and bad times.

Cry, Hope, and then march on.

I just remembered something. There was a time that I had to climb a rock climbing wall. I had failed once before, and it left a mark on me, and I was so scared of failing again. Having a fear of heights didn’t help at all either. Still, I climbed. After about 1.5-2m, I started feeling very scared, and I started crying. A panic attack was imminent. Strangely enough, I climbed on. I climbed on as I cried, and I reached the top. After that, I had a bad bout of panic attack, even after I reached the ground, and that, plus another thing, made me associate that experience with a bad memory. But until now, I’m still amazed that I actually managed to cry and climb at the same time. Now that’s the kind of strength I need to survive this semester.

Love,
Hope

Analogies

Quick post, because I have to leave home soon. Something I forgot to write about yesterday: analogies 😛

I love analogies. It helps me see things in a simpler way and makes it easier to find possible solutions.

An LDR is like a garden that needs a lot of taking care of. It’s no cacti garden. A lot of effort is needed: sowing new seeds, trimming unruly bushes, watering the plants. Most importantly: weeding. Doubts are like weeds that will poison and kill the garden if ignored and let be. They will grow and take over the whole garden, and before you know it, it would be beyond saving. Moral of the story: constant care is needed. I’d say this goes to all relationships, but that I feel it much more now that we’re more than 10000km apart.

Another apt analogy for an LDR is that it’s like running a marathon. Well, unlike marathons, the length may change. The day when we close the distance could be sooner or later, depending on how everything goes. But it is an endurance test for two. It will be hard, and it will change us, we will evolve and grow. It could make or break us – like a marathon, we could fail and DNF (do not finish), but we could also succeed and look back proudly. Don’t take all 42.195km at one go, think a km at a time. Look forward to water stations, aka visits. Unlike a marathon, it is a test for two. You’re never alone. 🙂

Love,
Hope