Conflicted

What do you do when cultures clash everywhere around you? I totally don’t get certain things, and other things about me aren’t understood. What results is a layer of lies upon lies.

That aside, I’ve almost graduated! I’ve written all my exams, and I’m just waiting for the results now. I’ll finally be seeing Faith in 2.5 days’ time!

I should be happy, but I’m just a little blue after all the perplexing things facing me. Sorry for vague-blogging, but I guess I can’t say much if I want to keep up being PC.

I told myself to calm down and take everything in my stride, and to not forget whatever I’ve learned this semester, when I finally got to rebuild my life and realise that I am capable as an individual and that I have friends who got my back.

I just can’t help feeling a little annoyed at my facticity, but there’s little I can do but to keep to my beliefs and move forward. Well, the catch is that I have to always come back to this problem.

The one who’s different is a madman. A totally sane person in one kingdom could be a madman in another. The person has to act sane in order not to labeled a madman and put in an institution. Over time, the person might actually turn mad 🙂

I’m rambling -.-”

The past week had been great. Now I just need some time off and clear out my conflicted mind.

Love,
Hope

Updates!

Sorry for the long absence! This semester turns to be the craziest semester I ever have (so far). Juggling six classes is already something, and I’m having a presentation every week for now and the next two weeks, not to mention final tests (physics and chinese), oral test (chinese), aaaaand the most important thing: TestDaf – something like a German version of TOEFL, that I need to pass and score well to apply for some of the master programmes in Germany. There are three papers due within three weeks too, but I’ve written them all way before the deadlines (two 5 weeks in advance and one 7 weeks in advance, in anticipation of this crazy period). I’m sooo thankful for the past me for getting shit done.

I marvel at how I’m still standing, going out with friends every now and then and not being depressed and crying in my bed hours on end. I do get depressed days last week, but it lasted some three days and I bounced back after.

A lot of things had been on my mind, but for today, I guess I’ll settle with just update on my current situation, haha.

Last week, I was in that bad place again. Not for too long, but at the time, it felt like forever. So I was getting some 14-16 hours of sleep for three consecutive nights, and I had crying spells during those three days. I skipped classes on two days, and the other one day was a public holiday. On the last of the three days, I was curled up in my bed, crying, before I felt so sick of all this crying. I put on my running shoes and went on a walk/jog. I felt mentally better after that, but hell, the next day my hips were hurting. (I have some pre-existing conditions.) It was ok after a swim on weekend, and mentally, I completed rebuilding myself after a Skype session with Faith, too. I haven’t been crying since. Just back to numbness, could be better, could be worse.

Anyway, I was freaking out last week, about how depression might mess up my relationship. I decided to see a counsellor. The waiting list was long, though, it being this late in the semester when everyone’s really stressed, and the earliest appointment I can get is in two weeks’ time (so next week).

I don’t really know what to expect when I see the counsellor next week. Do I even know my problems? Maybe. What I feel about my life is quite mercurial, though, I change from one day to the next. It would be quite strange if I see the counsellor when I’m at my highest XD But I guess I just need an additional person to talk to. It won’t be easy opening up to someone new, but it’s something that needs to be done, both for myself, and for my relationship.

Man, I’m sleepy. I’m supposed to be working on my project, but the bed is inviting me…

Love,
Hope

Letting Go and Other Musings

I’m slowly but surely picking myself up again. The second half of the semester is starting, whee~! During my one-week term break, I actually missed having classes, haha.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell Faith about my sadness or upset feelings over Skype, because I’m always so happy when I’m on Skype with him, and all negative feelings are forgotten momentarily. The world stops, and it’s just me and him. And usually boom, 3-5 hours passed. @.@ I really don’t get the flow of time when I’m with him. Time not just flies, it’s propelled with a “WHOOSH!!!” like a rocket.

I guess this time I’ll blog about some random things that popped up in my mind during the past week, but haven’t gotten round to write about.

1. Letting go of the past.

There are some things that I find hard to let go, usually some negative feelings from the past. It’s hard for me to forgive and forget, and especially so when whoever did what I perceive as a wrongdoing to me did not apologise. It’s irritating when you talk about how you can’t get over this feeling of hurt to someone, and instead of an apology, you’re hearing how he thinks you should let go and be told what to do. Geez.

My conclusion: If I can’t forgive, I should at least forget. Bury it deep inside and forget it. Maybe one day I can finally let go. It doesn’t matter that much now, anyway.

2. Philosophy

Haha. I’ve been learning philosophy for about a month now. It’s still tough, and I find things very abstract at times, but I’m also feeling something amazing. Many a times, life feels pitch black, and living is like trying to find your way in the dark, reaching your hands into the unknown. Studying philosophy and reading about the thoughts of past great thinkers actually feel like these great men are holding a torch for me and showing me the way. It gives me a certain grip in life. It’s a bit hard to say at this stage, but I get this feeling that I’m being guided, and that I’m not alone.

Maybe I just read too much, hahaha.

3. Relationship. (duh.)

I think there are many ways a relationship can go wrong. I’m marvelling at how things work out so well right now, yet at the same time I know I can’t take it for granted. It takes work. To Future Me, I hope (hihi) you won’t stop putting in work. That’s for Future Faith as well 😀 *wink wink*

Work also means anticipating problems to come and dealing with them before they become bigger issues. Nip eye candies in the bud, for example. I’m still wondering if it counts as emotional cheating when the object of affection is fictional 😛 Or my guitar XD But yeah, you get the point. Things that seemingly harmless could potentially be something big, I learned that before. So now, being constantly vigilant might be the way to go.

I really love how when I started to marvel at how well things are working out for us, he responded, “As long as we both enjoy it, I don’t see why things shouldn’t work out.” That element of human agency is so empowering. It’s the same thing I like when I read about Nietzsche and Sartre, that power that each of us have to shape our lives. Life is not pre-determined, it’s up to us to make something out of it. That is nice to hear, and so is hearing about him also enjoying being in this relationship 🙂

Yesterday was mostly a down day, and after dinner, being mostly emotionally numb for the whole day, I was only slightly excited about Skyping him soon. I dropped him a message saying that I’m ready, but I noticed that he was not online yet. So……I changed into a dress, put on some makeup and did my hair into a side braid. Somehow all that only took 10 minutes. Time was warped yet again, I think.

After that 10 minutes, I actually felt much better. I was no longer numb, and I was feeling confident, pretty (hehe), excited, and optimistic. All that from getting of my bum and taking care of how I look.

Then I dropped him another message, and I thought that if he didn’t come online soon, my makeup was going to get thicker and thicker XD But he came online just a split second after I sent that message. Whoa, nice timing.

And then…as the call was connecting, my heart raced. “Omg what will he think about my look? Do I look silly? Will he think I look silly? Omgomgomg.”

But he seemed to like it 😀 And also amazed at the fact that I managed to pick a dress and do my hair and make up in ten minutes flat XD

When we had a break from the call as he went out to buy cake ingredients, I took some selfies and use one of the photos as my profile picture on Facebook XD So there, on my profile picture, is Faith’s girlfriend. It’s how she dresses up for a date with him 🙂

Oh, and talking about Skype, there was this very cute thing that happened some 1.5 weeks ago maybe. We were on Skype, and he left me for a bit while he went to the bathroom. I (or rather his phone) was put on a table in the living room of his house. I went to open Facebook while waiting, until suddenly…I heard a meow.

I don’t remember him being able to imitate a cat’s sound that well, and I reopened the minimised Skype window, to see his family cat on the screen :3 It looked at me. I said, “Hallo, Wolli!” It meowed back. Ahahahahaha. It lingered for a while before going away, but I was still laughing when Faith came back. That was sooo adorable. My one regret is that I was so amused I forgot to take a screen cap :/ Let’s hope the cat will say hi again one day.

4. Me

Some thoughts about myself. Faith said it’s hard to know when I disagree with something, hahaha. Hmm. I think I rarely disagree with him, that’s true. I mean, we’re quite alike in many ways.

Do I not speak up when I disagree? It’s a bit hard for me to tell, because many times what he does is what I will do as well. And then there are things that I consider are too small to speak up about, but maybe I will. Things like no, I don’t like kidney beans 😦 Or most beans for that matter. They feel so dry in the mouth. Green peas are ok. Then again, I changed from not liking olives to liking them much, as well as tolerating capsicums -.-

That sounded like digression ._.

I guess I was kind of used to speaking up and yet nobody changes a thing, so I opted to just keep quiet (until I can’t take it anymore, aka when it suddenly blows up.) That’s…my conclusion after some thinking the past week.

I know that Faith is different. He listens, and he tries to make things better for me. I guess I should work to be in tune with my feelings more, and let him know when I know I disagree with something.

You know, this sounds silly, but sometimes I wonder if we will work out in close distance as well as in a long distance relationship. Sure, we did 2.5 months of close distance, and it was paradise. Then comes the long distance phase, and we’re managing it way better than I ever expected before. Sometimes I wonder, if we will be ok after transitioning into close distance. I think it’ll be more than ok, but being a natural worrier, there’s just that slight nagging doubt that wonders if maybe we’ll irritate each other on close distance.

Then again, just like he said, if both of us enjoy being with each other, it will work out. Things are workable. There’s not really a solid base for this thought anyway.

When a light bulb burns out, you don’t go and buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.

Anyway. This post is getting much longer than expected :p And I have a test tomorrow. And I still need to read some 20 pages of Aristotle before bed. (Bedtime story?)

Good night everyone!

Love,
Hope

The Plateau

I’m currently on what I term “the plateau”. It’s what I’ve decided to call this state of ginormous reluctance to do anything productive, before I get to speak to Faith -.- It’s happened a few times now, and it’s happening now. Sometimes I just let myself be, and wait until I get to speak to him, before resuming normalcy. It did happen before, though, that I just forced myself to continue studying despite my total lack of motivation, and I got quite some work done.

I’ll just let myself be this time :p

Seventy seven days before I can finally physically hug him 🙂

Seeing Oslo on TV is a strange feeling. I was there. That was my city of revival. That was where I went after leaving Faith behind, where I felt really down and desperate, forced myself to travel, didn’t get to do much, sulked, let myself be drowned in sorrow, and then….recovered, went out and randomly got to know someone new, and actually enjoyed myself. It’s still painful remembering those days, but I’m proud that I made a comeback and did not get utterly destroyed.

Actually, one of the fears I have in meeting Faith again is that there will be one more goodbye to say at the end. That sounds silly, I know. We will have so much more time together, making memories together, and I’m still scared of the goodbye that follows, but really, I loathe feeling the way I felt back then. It would probably not be as bad, now that I know what it’s like, it’s no longer fear of the unknown. Plus, we would see each other again sooner than this time round :’)

I just have to chill and let myself be down. I’ve learned that letting myself be down for a while actually helps. Always wanting to be up and doing something productive is actually making life unnecessarily more stressful.

Soooo…down-time, as I wait and see if Faith will come online! 🙂

Love,
Hope

-88

Had another great Skype session last night 🙂 He complimented me so much yesterday, haha, I can’t help but to feel more confident about myself today. Admittedly things got hard, being so far away from each other, but I’m not giving up, and I hope and think he’s not giving up either. It makes me realise how much of LDR is really about having faith, not just in the sense that you have to trust that the other person won’t cheat, no, more importantly, is that we have to trust each other not to give up. If even just one party decides that he/she has had enough, then it’s the end. It freaks me out when I imagine one day he will just tell me he doesn’t want to do this anymore, but it’s silly worrying about it when everything’s fine in reality.

I’m doing ok. On weekdays I’m usually busy and meeting many people, so the worst that I feel is usually nothing, just numbness. Most of the days were great, there was a night and a morning of loneliness, but it was gone after I got back into my daily routine. Weekends are a bit trickier. Sometimes it just feels like how it felt back when I had depression. It’s not that bad, I think, but there’s just this big inertia to just get me to do something other than sleep or eat or stone in front of my computer. There’s work to be done, but on weekends it feels as if I’m on paralysis.

Today was quite, eh, wasted. I took in something dairy yesterday and spent today sleeping it off due to my allergy -_- Now I’m fine again, physically, but I just don’t feel like doing anything. It might be okay not to do anything, but in reality I have much things to do :/

Weekends are needed. I can’t go through busy weekday after another, I’ll collapse. However, it’s always on weekends that I merely become an existence. It’s on weekends that it seems like it will be a lifetime before I see Faith again. How I long to be held in his arms!

Right now I want to split into two and console myself :/ Hug myself, and tell her that it’s okay to stop and sit down somewhere, not moving. Yes, yes, things have to be done, but you don’t have to beat yourself over not doing them. Some days are just tougher than others. It’s okay to be down, don’t blame yourself. In time, you’ll pick yourself up again :’)

Love,
Hope

Selves

It’s another day when I just miss Faith. Still manageable, but yeah, I miss him.

I had one clusterfuck of a dream -.- I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty because it’s just a dream, but yes what a clusterfuck. It involved me getting together with a guy, who in real life is a friend’s boyfriend. And Faith is nowhere to be seen (or heard from) in the dream. Yeah, it’s messed up -.- That guy was so clingy in the dream, that I was wondering if that’s how clingy I perceive myself to be. That needs work.

Does it?

I read that women always want to do something. They always want to fix something and make good things better. I’m not sure how much of it is true for me. I guess it’s something like I don’t feel like I deserve a break, I have to continually improve myself. Of course logically I know that’s not true, I deserve a break sometimes too. Self-acceptance is better said than done, though.

I feel like I’m a little broken inside. I’m not down or sad about it, really, I’m taking it as-a-matter-of-factly. Honestly, there are lots of things I would like to improve about myself. At the higher list of priority now is dependency and clinginess. Then there’s my stress-prone nature and my habit of running away when things get tough. Then, being a worrywart and holding hurt feelings from the past. And there are also things that I can’t help with, like occasional headaches (that seriously only starts after I came back to Singapore -.-) and feeling sleepy many times despite having supposedly enough sleep.

Then again, I know there are things I love about me. I’m apparently more efficient and tenacious than I thought I am. I took up challenges and don’t just give up. This time, I have lots of friends, too. I’m more sociable than I was. I know how to juggle my timetable and get everything done, and still have time for social activities and of course dedicate some to my relationship, too. I’m a better communicator now. I know how to love. (At least I think so.) I can remain positive even in difficult times.

Whether or not I’ve improved myself, I know myself a lot better now. I know that I want to improve myself because I want to be a better person to people around me. I don’t want to hurt others again due to my carelessness.

I have a feeling that at the core of the issue is my self-esteem. There are two conflicting sides to how I view myself. 1. I think I’m good enough, I’ve improved a lot after all, and I’m too lazy to change more. 2. I think the nice people in my life deserve someone better, but I’m not willing to let them go, so I have to become that better person.

I don’t even know what to think anymore ._. I write because I thought it would make my thoughts clearer, but now I’m even more confused.

Faith sent me a really touching long message yesterday. It made me feel so loved. Most people wouldn’t take that much effort to get to know me and to understand me. Even when they see that I have some issues, most people would just tell me to go on and not give up. Never had anyone tell me “stop” and analyse if what I’m doing is really what I want to be doing.

He said there’s a dissonance between ‘the Skype me’ and ‘the blog me’. I have to admit, although at first I didn’t realise it until he told me, it’s most definitely true. The Skype me is the social me, the blog me is who I am in private, when I’m just with my thoughts. I think it’s natural to have different personalities in different situations? I would be a different self when I’m with friends, for example, and another self when I’m with my family. It depends on the relations I have with them. That is not to say that any of these personalities is a lie. They’re all me, it’s just a matter of how deep into my real self it is, how much of my real self is uncovered.

Another reason might be that I usually only blog when my emotions are running either low, or high. Neutral blog posts are a bit rarer. That might be why I sound different.

Anyway, getting back to different versions of me, I would say that the version of me when I’m with Faith is getting closer and closer to the private me, as we get to know each other more and as I realise that it’s okay to open up to him.

It takes time. I mean, in the past, opening up had led to quarrels, some really bad ones, but that was also partly because of poor communication and poor match, too. I do realise, it’s a necessary part of getting to know each other, that we open up and see each other for who we really are.

I love who I am when I’m with Faith. The self who is with Faith might have started out as a subset of my real self, but I think it is changing the real me, too.

I think it’s part of a healthy relationship, bringing out the best in each other, and creating a safe zone for us to be ourselves.

Love,
Hope

The Call

Hanging up is as hard as usual :/

I’m quite touched that he bore with me despite being tired, hihi.

So much feelings, after 1.5 weeks since our last Skype call. I just can’t stop grinning when I first saw him today. And then with seeing comes the longing, wishing that I could just reach into the monitor and ruffle his hair and hug him tight.

Even if I want to be clingy, I can’t 😦

I experienced a moment of weakness again. This time, I cried a little. It felt quite a relief, though, that I know I’m not pretending to be strong. Sometimes I pretend without even knowing that I’m pretending, and I only know after the damage has been done. I’m learning to be accepting of my negative feelings, too.

There’s still a lot to learn. I still have to get much stronger.

Dear Faith, I love you, and I love it that we’re in this together. I’m glad that it’s you.

Love,
Hope