Can’t stay mad

It’s so annoying -.- I just can’t stay mad at Faith. Yesterday he sent me a message, asking if I want to Skype today. Today, there was no reply all day long, and I went through the process of feeling impatient, worried, annoyed, and then worried again, and then back to irritated, not to mention weak and sick from food poisoning/diarrhea. I gave him a call, but the line was occupied. The thing is, I have no idea until what time I should wait. I remembered something along the line of him wanting to go back to his hometown today, which means quite a number of hours of travel, and which means I might need to wait quite long. I don’t mind waiting quite long, I mind not knowing how long I have to wait for.

I thought of just giving up and go and play a game or something, haha. Then I decided to try calling him again. Still feeling annoyed, I dialled his number, thinking of giving him a piece of my mind and thinking about asking him if I can sulk, because I felt like sulking 😦 It might be me being in a very tech-savvy city with everyone being wired to their phone, but I can’t see the reasons you can’t use your cell phone for a minute to drop a “I’m kinda busy but I’ll type more later” during the course of the morning (and early afternoon).

This time, the line was not occupied. I waited at the dial tone, and then he picked up and said, “Hello?”

And that was it. I couldn’t stay mad anymore -_-

Yeah, and well, my stomach was finally behaving itself :p

See if I can express my annoyances later, even if I’m not annoyed anymore. I think it’s good practice for speaking up. Or see if he can come up with good enough reasons :p

Now, another wait. Shall pick up my other boyfriend in the mean time, the guitar 😀

Love,
Hope

Letting Go and Other Musings

I’m slowly but surely picking myself up again. The second half of the semester is starting, whee~! During my one-week term break, I actually missed having classes, haha.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell Faith about my sadness or upset feelings over Skype, because I’m always so happy when I’m on Skype with him, and all negative feelings are forgotten momentarily. The world stops, and it’s just me and him. And usually boom, 3-5 hours passed. @.@ I really don’t get the flow of time when I’m with him. Time not just flies, it’s propelled with a “WHOOSH!!!” like a rocket.

I guess this time I’ll blog about some random things that popped up in my mind during the past week, but haven’t gotten round to write about.

1. Letting go of the past.

There are some things that I find hard to let go, usually some negative feelings from the past. It’s hard for me to forgive and forget, and especially so when whoever did what I perceive as a wrongdoing to me did not apologise. It’s irritating when you talk about how you can’t get over this feeling of hurt to someone, and instead of an apology, you’re hearing how he thinks you should let go and be told what to do. Geez.

My conclusion: If I can’t forgive, I should at least forget. Bury it deep inside and forget it. Maybe one day I can finally let go. It doesn’t matter that much now, anyway.

2. Philosophy

Haha. I’ve been learning philosophy for about a month now. It’s still tough, and I find things very abstract at times, but I’m also feeling something amazing. Many a times, life feels pitch black, and living is like trying to find your way in the dark, reaching your hands into the unknown. Studying philosophy and reading about the thoughts of past great thinkers actually feel like these great men are holding a torch for me and showing me the way. It gives me a certain grip in life. It’s a bit hard to say at this stage, but I get this feeling that I’m being guided, and that I’m not alone.

Maybe I just read too much, hahaha.

3. Relationship. (duh.)

I think there are many ways a relationship can go wrong. I’m marvelling at how things work out so well right now, yet at the same time I know I can’t take it for granted. It takes work. To Future Me, I hope (hihi) you won’t stop putting in work. That’s for Future Faith as well 😀 *wink wink*

Work also means anticipating problems to come and dealing with them before they become bigger issues. Nip eye candies in the bud, for example. I’m still wondering if it counts as emotional cheating when the object of affection is fictional 😛 Or my guitar XD But yeah, you get the point. Things that seemingly harmless could potentially be something big, I learned that before. So now, being constantly vigilant might be the way to go.

I really love how when I started to marvel at how well things are working out for us, he responded, “As long as we both enjoy it, I don’t see why things shouldn’t work out.” That element of human agency is so empowering. It’s the same thing I like when I read about Nietzsche and Sartre, that power that each of us have to shape our lives. Life is not pre-determined, it’s up to us to make something out of it. That is nice to hear, and so is hearing about him also enjoying being in this relationship 🙂

Yesterday was mostly a down day, and after dinner, being mostly emotionally numb for the whole day, I was only slightly excited about Skyping him soon. I dropped him a message saying that I’m ready, but I noticed that he was not online yet. So……I changed into a dress, put on some makeup and did my hair into a side braid. Somehow all that only took 10 minutes. Time was warped yet again, I think.

After that 10 minutes, I actually felt much better. I was no longer numb, and I was feeling confident, pretty (hehe), excited, and optimistic. All that from getting of my bum and taking care of how I look.

Then I dropped him another message, and I thought that if he didn’t come online soon, my makeup was going to get thicker and thicker XD But he came online just a split second after I sent that message. Whoa, nice timing.

And then…as the call was connecting, my heart raced. “Omg what will he think about my look? Do I look silly? Will he think I look silly? Omgomgomg.”

But he seemed to like it 😀 And also amazed at the fact that I managed to pick a dress and do my hair and make up in ten minutes flat XD

When we had a break from the call as he went out to buy cake ingredients, I took some selfies and use one of the photos as my profile picture on Facebook XD So there, on my profile picture, is Faith’s girlfriend. It’s how she dresses up for a date with him 🙂

Oh, and talking about Skype, there was this very cute thing that happened some 1.5 weeks ago maybe. We were on Skype, and he left me for a bit while he went to the bathroom. I (or rather his phone) was put on a table in the living room of his house. I went to open Facebook while waiting, until suddenly…I heard a meow.

I don’t remember him being able to imitate a cat’s sound that well, and I reopened the minimised Skype window, to see his family cat on the screen :3 It looked at me. I said, “Hallo, Wolli!” It meowed back. Ahahahahaha. It lingered for a while before going away, but I was still laughing when Faith came back. That was sooo adorable. My one regret is that I was so amused I forgot to take a screen cap :/ Let’s hope the cat will say hi again one day.

4. Me

Some thoughts about myself. Faith said it’s hard to know when I disagree with something, hahaha. Hmm. I think I rarely disagree with him, that’s true. I mean, we’re quite alike in many ways.

Do I not speak up when I disagree? It’s a bit hard for me to tell, because many times what he does is what I will do as well. And then there are things that I consider are too small to speak up about, but maybe I will. Things like no, I don’t like kidney beans 😦 Or most beans for that matter. They feel so dry in the mouth. Green peas are ok. Then again, I changed from not liking olives to liking them much, as well as tolerating capsicums -.-

That sounded like digression ._.

I guess I was kind of used to speaking up and yet nobody changes a thing, so I opted to just keep quiet (until I can’t take it anymore, aka when it suddenly blows up.) That’s…my conclusion after some thinking the past week.

I know that Faith is different. He listens, and he tries to make things better for me. I guess I should work to be in tune with my feelings more, and let him know when I know I disagree with something.

You know, this sounds silly, but sometimes I wonder if we will work out in close distance as well as in a long distance relationship. Sure, we did 2.5 months of close distance, and it was paradise. Then comes the long distance phase, and we’re managing it way better than I ever expected before. Sometimes I wonder, if we will be ok after transitioning into close distance. I think it’ll be more than ok, but being a natural worrier, there’s just that slight nagging doubt that wonders if maybe we’ll irritate each other on close distance.

Then again, just like he said, if both of us enjoy being with each other, it will work out. Things are workable. There’s not really a solid base for this thought anyway.

When a light bulb burns out, you don’t go and buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.

Anyway. This post is getting much longer than expected :p And I have a test tomorrow. And I still need to read some 20 pages of Aristotle before bed. (Bedtime story?)

Good night everyone!

Love,
Hope

The Plateau

I’m currently on what I term “the plateau”. It’s what I’ve decided to call this state of ginormous reluctance to do anything productive, before I get to speak to Faith -.- It’s happened a few times now, and it’s happening now. Sometimes I just let myself be, and wait until I get to speak to him, before resuming normalcy. It did happen before, though, that I just forced myself to continue studying despite my total lack of motivation, and I got quite some work done.

I’ll just let myself be this time :p

Seventy seven days before I can finally physically hug him 🙂

Seeing Oslo on TV is a strange feeling. I was there. That was my city of revival. That was where I went after leaving Faith behind, where I felt really down and desperate, forced myself to travel, didn’t get to do much, sulked, let myself be drowned in sorrow, and then….recovered, went out and randomly got to know someone new, and actually enjoyed myself. It’s still painful remembering those days, but I’m proud that I made a comeback and did not get utterly destroyed.

Actually, one of the fears I have in meeting Faith again is that there will be one more goodbye to say at the end. That sounds silly, I know. We will have so much more time together, making memories together, and I’m still scared of the goodbye that follows, but really, I loathe feeling the way I felt back then. It would probably not be as bad, now that I know what it’s like, it’s no longer fear of the unknown. Plus, we would see each other again sooner than this time round :’)

I just have to chill and let myself be down. I’ve learned that letting myself be down for a while actually helps. Always wanting to be up and doing something productive is actually making life unnecessarily more stressful.

Soooo…down-time, as I wait and see if Faith will come online! 🙂

Love,
Hope

And make it double!

I have 8 minutes to write before I have to go! Hihi.

Just skyped with Faith again. It’s always so nice to see how happy we both are to see each other!

It was a bit hard to concentrate in class today. My thoughts kept going back to Faith. It’s usually not as bad, but well, I did manage to listen to most of the lecture in the end, with a few daydreams in between and me urgently prompting myself to focus on the lecture first and then I can daydream all I want once it’s over -.-

I can’t really remember how exactly we got together. There’s got to be some magic involved :p It just seemed to work out.

I’m flying back home tomorrow, for about 5.5 days. I haven’t been home since 8.5 months ago, so it’s nice to finally go back home. Yeah, I’ll be dependent on Wi-Fi and won’t have 4G as a backup, but I think the Wi-Fi should work out just fine. You see, ever since getting into an LDR, the internet, which has always been important to me, has taken a wholly new level of importance. Without the internet, there are still voice calls using Skype credit, or sms-es, but they’re not free (and as such you can’t call for hours or send hundreds of messages :P). The other alternative is snail mail, which has a significant loading time. Skype video call is still the most important tool.

Heh, and….things like hugging your laptop happens when your boyfriend is “in” the laptop XD

I’m going out now, but I’ll be back in a couple of hours’ time, and then maybe I’ll get to Skype with Faith again, yoohoo! 😀

Love,
Hope

Priorities

Things to overcome before graduation: 4 midterms, 3 term papers, 2 presentations, 5 final exams. I did not include my language module (Chinese) because it simply has too many tests XD Truth be told, I have no idea how I’m going to do it all in a span of 9-10 weeks, but, eh, it’ll be done somehow.

Time management becomes crucial. After all, besides studying I still need some time for myself to de-stress, and obviously I still need some time with Faith, too 🙂

We skyped last night, I watched him baked a drool-inducing apple tart and I got to say hi to his family, because he’s currently at home, heheh. This Sunday we might have a rare Skype occasion when both of us are in our own homes, since I’m flying back on Saturday 😀

Faith marked that somehow I still seem to have time to Skype him, despite the craziness of my last semester. I said it’s a matter of priority. I guess that’s part of the story. He’s important to me, so he’s high up in my priority list. Another thing, he helps with my de-stressing, mentally and socially. I need that depth level of communication I don’t easily find with others. And…tied back to the issue of prioritisation, I knew how it is to feel like you’re a low priority to someone important to you, and I don’t wish it for him to ever feel that.

There was this strange moment that happened some time last week. After sending him a lovey-dovey message on Facebook, somehow my brain reverted back to when we were just friends for a split second. In that split second, I thought, “What the hell did I just message him? We’re just friends, this will be awkward!” -_-” I guess sometimes it still seems unbelievable how far we’ve gone, how close we’ve become, haha.

It’s a wonderful feeling knowing there’s someone out there, far, far away, who loves you dearly and is in a special relationship with you x3

Love,
Hope

Day 34

Hello. I just read up on Hegel, Husserl and Heidegger, and am supposed to be reading 60 more pages on Heidegger, but I can’t take it anymore, so here I am 😛

I wasn’t feeling too well over the weekend and mostly slacked and just like Faith, “minimise movement to a level necessary only to sustain life.” I’m back to feeling ok today, but oh man, work’s waiting for me. I have a presentation in less than 48 hours too, very early in the morning on Wednesday, and I’m quite nervous about it. I think I have an easy question to tackle (in that it’s a “what” question instead of a “why” or “how” or “evaluate critically” kind of question). Then again, there’s all the trauma from having failed the module before -.- This time round it’s much better, though, in terms of my own condition and also the teaching staff 🙂 I think it’ll be fine.

I’m starting to feel comfortable in the political science modules that I’m taking. Actually, to be honest, the ancient western political thought module starts to be…addictive. ._. Philosophy is getting a little better, too. (But I still think 10am is too early to be philosophising, and two days in a row, too -.-)

Had a really great Skype session yesterday night. I managed to become Faith’s kitchen assistant once again, hihihi, reading out the recipe and telling him what to do next XD I really enjoyed it. Hey, cook earlier next time :p It was sooo fun, it’s like being involved in each other’s lives again, instead of just telling what we had experienced the past few days.

Yeah, truth be told, over the weekend that I was “grounded”, “weeds” started to grow in the garden. I’m talking about fear and doubts here. If you add 10,000km to a relationship, you’re adding a lot of factors in. Things start to occur to the mind, things like “will we be able to maintain this connection?” and “what if we just run out of things to talk about and drift apart?”. I don’t have an answer to that. The only thing I can say to myself is that both of us will need to be more creative, especially as time goes by, so that our relationship remains interesting. It applies to every relationship, really, but with our means of communication limited by physical distance, we can’t just cuddle, or go to the cinema, or go for a swim together. Conventional things can’t be done, so we have to find substitutes. Effort + creativity + being with the right person should be a good recipe.

Meeting him again will be oh so sweet. With my powerful imagination I did manage to imagine a bit of how it would be like, but I think it’s only a meagre percentage of what it’ll be like in real life 🙂

Last night, right before I fell asleep, I suddenly thought and felt that all this seems like a dream. I can’t believe I’m with Faith. I can still remember time before I knew him, it was just slightly over a year ago that we got to know each other, and real slowly at first, too. For a moment, it felt like I could wake up any time and then mourn that it was all just a dream. (Might be a little too much philosophy -.- How do you know the world as it appears to you is real? I think philosophy is messing with my brain.)

I think it’s a good thing. (The feeling like it’s just a dream, not the ‘too much philosophy’ bit -.-)

I realised that this is one of the rare times in recent years in my life that I don’t feel like I’m living a double life, and it’s good. It used to feel like there are many faces of me, and really, it’s tiring to have to live different lives, so to say. Now, it feels to me like there’s a unity inside, a harmony between the different roles I play, the student, the daughter, the girlfriend, they’re one now. 🙂

I suspect that doing philosophy is doing good to me in the long run (and flipping my brain in the short run :P)

Love,
Hope