Grown

I feel a little different.

I feel like since I got together with Faith, something changed in me. I don’t know if he caused the changes, or it’s just a coincidence, but I’m loving it.

I used to be one angsty teenager, hahaha. Growing up, I experienced a short period of peace many, many years ago, before returning to turbulence of depression. Ever since my exchange programme, I feel like the peace has returned.

It’s not easy being so far away from him, not being able to hug him on bad days. Somehow, though, it allows me to rebuild my foundation and outlook on life. Well, that, and probably philosophy and political thought lessons -.-”

We talk about things that matter, and we haven’t quarrelled. Agreed to disagree on certain things, maybe, but not outright quarrels. It might be because of the distance, it’s not so easy to quarrel when you’re so far away from each other and is always missing the other party :p I think, though, if it’s him, I’d be fine. I’d be willing to talk.

Time flies. In a few days’ time, it would be exactly half a year since we got together. Yeah, half a year is nothing, but it sure does feel like it has been much shorter than that. We’ve barely started!

Ok on another note. Faith commented saying that my previous blog post sounded so violent with fighting and all. As I laid in bed, my brain started thinking up random thoughts. One thing led to another, and well this is how it goes: Fighting doesn’t really have to be violent. I mean, when I said ‘fight’, it’s just to get my spirit up and enthusiasm ready, like an athlete ready for a competition. Like…fighting monsters in RPG to gain experience to level up. That’s not violent, that’s just the way it is to get stronger. Wait, what about the monsters? It’s violent to them. Is it ethical to kill them in games to level up? Oh no!

Moral dilemma ensues before I drifted to sleep -_-

Love,
Hope

Day 34

Hello. I just read up on Hegel, Husserl and Heidegger, and am supposed to be reading 60 more pages on┬áHeidegger, but I can’t take it anymore, so here I am ­čśŤ

I wasn’t feeling too well over the weekend and mostly slacked and just like Faith, “minimise movement to a level necessary only to sustain life.” I’m back to feeling ok today, but oh man, work’s waiting for me. I have a presentation in less than 48 hours too, very early in the morning on Wednesday, and I’m quite nervous about it. I think I have an easy question to tackle (in that it’s a “what” question instead of a “why” or “how” or “evaluate critically” kind of question). Then again, there’s all the trauma from having failed the module before -.- This time round it’s much better, though, in terms of my own condition and also the teaching staff ­čÖé I think it’ll be fine.

I’m starting to feel comfortable in the political science modules that I’m taking. Actually, to be honest, the ancient western political thought module starts to be…addictive. ._. Philosophy is getting a little better, too. (But I still think 10am is too early to be philosophising, and two days in a row, too -.-)

Had a really great Skype session yesterday┬ánight. I managed to become Faith’s kitchen assistant┬áonce again, hihihi, reading out the recipe and telling him what to do next XD I really enjoyed it. Hey, cook earlier next time :p It was sooo fun, it’s like being involved in each other’s lives again, instead of just telling what we had experienced the past few days.

Yeah, truth be told, over the weekend that I was “grounded”, “weeds” started to grow in the garden. I’m talking about fear and doubts here. If you add 10,000km to a relationship, you’re adding a lot of factors in. Things start to occur to the mind, things like “will we be able to maintain this connection?” and “what if we just run out of things to talk about and drift apart?”. I don’t have an answer to that. The only thing I can say to myself is that both of us will need to be more creative, especially as time goes by, so that our relationship remains interesting. It applies to every relationship, really, but with our means of communication limited by physical distance, we can’t just cuddle, or go to the cinema, or go for a swim together. Conventional things can’t be done, so we have to find substitutes. Effort + creativity + being with the right person should be a good recipe.

Meeting him again will be oh so sweet. With my powerful imagination I did manage to imagine a bit of how it would be like, but I think it’s only a meagre percentage of what it’ll be like in real life ­čÖé

Last night, right before I fell asleep, I suddenly thought and felt that all this seems like a dream. I can’t believe I’m with Faith. I can still remember time before I knew him, it was just slightly over a year ago that we got to know each other, and real slowly at first, too. For a moment, it felt like I could wake up any time and then mourn that it was all just a dream. (Might be a little too much philosophy -.- How do you know the world as it appears to you is real? I think philosophy is messing with my brain.)

I think it’s a good thing. (The feeling like it’s just a dream, not the ‘too much philosophy’ bit -.-)

I realised that this is one of the rare times in recent years in my life that I don’t feel like I’m living a double life, and it’s good. It used to feel like there are many faces of me, and really, it’s tiring to have to live different lives, so to say. Now, it feels to me like there’s a unity inside, a harmony between the different roles I play, the student, the daughter, the girlfriend, they’re one now. ­čÖé

I suspect that doing philosophy is doing good to me in the long run (and flipping my brain in the short run :P)

Love,
Hope

Selves

It’s another day when I just miss Faith. Still manageable, but yeah, I miss him.

I had one clusterfuck of a dream -.- I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty because it’s just a dream, but yes what a clusterfuck. It involved me getting together with a guy, who in real life is a friend’s boyfriend. And Faith is nowhere to be seen (or heard from) in the dream. Yeah, it’s messed up -.- That guy was so clingy in the dream, that I was wondering if that’s how clingy I perceive myself to be. That needs work.

Does it?

I read that women always want to do something. They always want to fix something and make good things better. I’m not sure how much of it is true for me. I guess it’s something like I don’t feel like I deserve a break, I have to continually improve┬ámyself. Of course logically I know that’s not true, I deserve a break sometimes too. Self-acceptance is better said than done, though.

I feel like I’m a little broken inside. I’m not down or sad about it, really, I’m taking it as-a-matter-of-factly. Honestly, there are lots of things I would like to improve about myself. At the higher list of priority now is dependency and clinginess. Then there’s my stress-prone nature and my habit of running away when things get tough. Then, being a worrywart and holding hurt feelings from the past. And there are also things that I can’t help with, like occasional headaches (that seriously only starts after I came back to Singapore -.-) and feeling sleepy many times despite having supposedly enough sleep.

Then again, I know there are things I love about me. I’m apparently more efficient and tenacious than I thought I am. I took up challenges and don’t just give up. This time, I have lots of friends, too. I’m more sociable than I was. I know how to juggle my timetable and get everything done, and still have time for social activities and of course dedicate some to my relationship, too. I’m a better communicator now. I know how to love. (At least I think so.) I can remain positive even in difficult times.

Whether or not I’ve improved myself, I know myself a lot better now. I know that I want to improve myself because I want to be a better person to people around me. I don’t want to hurt others again due to my carelessness.

I have a feeling that at the core of the issue is my self-esteem. There are two conflicting sides to how I view myself. 1. I think I’m good enough, I’ve improved a lot after all, and I’m too lazy to change more. 2. I think the nice people in my life deserve someone better, but I’m not willing to let them go, so I have to become that better person.

I don’t even know what to think anymore ._. I write because I thought it would make┬ámy thoughts clearer, but now I’m even more confused.

Faith sent me a really touching long message yesterday. It made me feel so loved. Most people wouldn’t take that much effort to get to know me and to understand me. Even when they see that I have some issues, most people would just tell me to go on and not give up. Never had anyone tell me “stop” and analyse if what I’m doing is really what I want to be doing.

He said there’s a dissonance between ‘the Skype me’ and ‘the blog me’. I have to admit, although at first┬áI didn’t realise it until he told me,┬áit’s most definitely true. The Skype me is the social me, the blog me is who I am┬áin private, when I’m just with my thoughts. I think it’s natural to have different personalities in different situations? I would be a different self when I’m with friends, for example, and another self when I’m with my family. It depends on the relations I have with them. That is not to say that any of these personalities is a lie. They’re all me, it’s just a matter of how deep into my real self it is, how much of my real self is uncovered.

Another reason might be that I usually only blog when my emotions are running either low, or high. Neutral blog posts are a bit rarer. That might be why I sound different.

Anyway, getting back to different versions of me, I would say that the version of me when I’m with Faith is getting closer and closer to the private me, as we get to know each other more and as I realise that it’s okay to open up to him.

It takes time. I mean, in the past, opening up had led to quarrels, some really bad ones, but that was also partly because of poor communication and poor match, too. I do realise, it’s a necessary part of getting to know each other, that we open up and see each other for who we really are.

I love who I am when I’m with Faith. The self who is with Faith might have started out as a subset of my real self, but I think it is changing the real me, too.

I think it’s part of a healthy relationship, bringing out the best in each other, and creating a safe zone for us to be ourselves.

Love,
Hope

The Call

Hanging up is as hard as usual :/

I’m quite touched that he bore with me despite being tired, hihi.

So much feelings, after 1.5 weeks since our last Skype call. I just can’t stop grinning when I first saw him today. And then with seeing comes the longing, wishing that I could just reach into the monitor and ruffle his hair and hug him tight.

Even if I want to be clingy, I can’t ­čśŽ

I experienced a moment of weakness again. This time, I cried a little. It felt quite a relief, though, that I know I’m not pretending to be strong. Sometimes I pretend without even knowing that I’m pretending, and I only know after the damage has been done. I’m learning to be accepting of my negative feelings, too.

There’s still a lot to learn. I still have to get much stronger.

Dear Faith, I love you, and I love it that we’re in this together. I’m glad that it’s you.

Love,
Hope

I’m Not Okay

Who am I kidding? I’m not okay.

I’m not okay today. I’m tired, I have a lot of work to do, and it seems never ending. Much of the additional work was not even my fault to begin with. I need someone I can talk to about my feelings and my fears. I’m scared. There are still more than three months to go before I’m done with the semester. A part of me thinks I’ll be alright, that I’m stronger than ever before, but it doesn’t omit the fact that another part of me is scared.

I bought dinner and brought it back to my room. I’m not okay today┬áto eat alone in public. It can be Schei├če when things that are Schei├če happens to you and the one you want to share it with the most is not around. It’s nobody’s fault, but it doesn’t make it any better. For the first time in more than a week, I feel like crying.

I should stop denying it, because I am definitely not okay tonight.

And I have to learn to accept that it is OKAY to be not okay sometimes. I shouldn’t keep up thinking that I’m okay all the time when I’m not. It is okay to be down. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel tired. Give yourself a break, let yourself feel what you actually feel. And then pick yourself up. Know it that even if you’re not okay now, you will be okay again soon. You are a fighter, and you can march on.

If you feel sad, cry, and then wipe your tears. If you fall down, be down, and then pick yourself up.

Nobody has to be strong all the time. Learn to accept yourself in good times and bad times. It sounds like a wedding vow, and yes, before you are able to accept someone else in good times and bad times, you have to learn to accept yourself in good times and bad times.

Cry, Hope, and then march on.

I just remembered something. There was a time that I had to climb a rock climbing wall. I had failed once before, and it left a mark on me, and I was so scared of failing again. Having a fear of heights didn’t help at all either. Still, I climbed. After about 1.5-2m, I started feeling very scared, and I started crying. A panic attack was imminent. Strangely enough, I climbed on. I climbed on as I cried, and I reached the top. After that, I had a bad bout of panic attack, even after I reached the ground, and that, plus another thing, made me associate that experience with a bad memory. But until now, I’m still amazed that I actually managed to cry and climb at the same time. Now that’s the kind of strength I need to survive this semester.

Love,
Hope

Free Time

So. Yesterday was an extremely busy day, I rushed from one place to another all the way from before 9.30AM to almost 10PM. Seeing Faith on Skype after such a long day felt so good. It’s like coming home, haha.

Today was supposed to be a relatively busy day too. Not as busy as yesterday, but I was predicting myself to be busy from 9AM to around 8-9PM. However, things ended up being way more efficient, and I was done by 6PM. I was dumbfounded. I thought to myself, “Omg, I have free time. Noooo, don’t do this to me! I don’t want to be alone with my mind. I need to be busy to be distracted!”

In the end, I went back to my room and did Thursday’s French homework and next week’s Chinese homework. I was thinking of doing the optional German homework too, but my brain decided that I’ve had enough ­čśŤ

I booked two plane tickets. One to see my family in September, and one to see Faith in December. Yoohoo!

There are still so many things to do, actually.

I went to swim at the swimming pool at UTown for the first time ever today. It’s on campus, and it looks like this:

UTown Infinity Pool

Yeah. Why in the world did it take me so long to go to the pool? XD

Problem with pools on campus for me: The Olympic size pool in the Sports & Recreational Centre is too hard-core. I can’t relax, and have to swim 50m at one go. That makes the inertia of going to the pool so big :p So I decided to try the more relaxing UTown pool instead. I’ll honestly say it’s too relaxing XD There were like around 20 people in the pool, maybe, and I and another guy were the only one swimming. The rest were either standing and chatting in the middle of the pool, hugging their gf/bf, or daydreaming and doing nothing. Oh well.

The bigger problem actually lies in the shower. There is no cold water whatsoever. There’s only hot water. You know how warm water is actually just a mix between hot and cold water? Well, when I said there’s no cold water whatsoever, I mean to say that there is no warm water either, just *really* hot water. @_@

Now. Another thing that I want to try but haven’t yet done: step into and workout in a gym. I can’t really run, at least not until I’m sure my hips are better, but I’m pretty sure the stationary bike should be fine. Maybe even build an arm muscle or two :p I don’t know, just anything really, to keep just a little fitter, and therefore also happier.

After many days of making myself busy on purpose and always meeting new people, I may now be ready, and a little wishing, for some self time, haha. Swimming was good, I had some time with my mind, and we made peace. Doing homework was actually quite fun too.

Live one day at a time.

Love,
Hope